


Love Like Fools

by theinvisibledisaster



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bickering, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Slow Burn Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin, and they were roommates (oh my god they were roommates)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-24
Updated: 2020-03-24
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:54:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 24,407
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23202817
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theinvisibledisaster/pseuds/theinvisibledisaster
Summary: Clarke and Bellamy end up as roommates in college, and they don't like each other much in the beginning.What can I say, tropes are classics for a reason.
Relationships: Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin
Comments: 78
Kudos: 387





	Love Like Fools

**Author's Note:**

> Okay listen, this started as my fic for [@starboybellamy](https://starboybellamy.tumblr.com/) for my 666 celebration and it was only supposed to be short, but then I decided I would write [@bellamyfknblake](https://bellamyfknblake.tumblr.com/) a fic for helping organise the bellarkescord events and being such an angel, and two of the prompts that she gave me really fit in with the prompt that Jess sent and I couldn’t pass up that golden opportunity, so I decided to combine the two and make this fic way too long and also dedicate it to both of these angels because wow do they keep my fic-brain turning with their enthusiasm and love. This got WAY out of hand and I have zero regrets.
> 
> The prompts were: Bellarke as roommates (jess) + enemies to friends to lovers in college (krissy) + “literally just bellamy and Clarke bickering because they’re so obviously in love w each other, but don’t want to admit it, they spend so much time arguing that they have it in their heads that they have nothing in common” (krissy) = talis’s fic-writing brain going into overdrive ;) <3
> 
> title comes from Fools by Lauren Aquilina and it's one of my favourite songs in the world <3

“Get your feet off the couch,” Clarke yelled out as she entered the apartment, toeing her shoes off by the door.  
  
“How do you even know my feet are _on_ the couch?” Bellamy argued back through the wall. “You can’t see me!”  
  
“Because I know you, Blake, and I don’t need to see your dirty feet in the place I like to sit,” she grumbled as she rounded the corner, noting the speedy rustle of his legs where he’d clearly just dropped them to the floor. She was too tired to really care as much as she pretended to, so she just collapsed next to him on the sofa, sinking into the cushions.  
  
He tilted his head at her. “You alright, Princess?”  
  
“Fine, and don’t call me that,” she rolled her eyes. She’d known Bellamy for almost two years, ever since there was a mix-up with college housing and she was placed as his in the boys dorm. The administration tried to fix the error, but Clarke was so tired from travelling from Denver to Bakersfield that she didn’t want to go through the rigamarole of changing. Plus she didn’t even meet her roommate until over a week later, so she figured she had a room to herself and told them not to bother reassigning her.  
  
She’d called her dad and he promised to visit whenever he had the time, proud of her for deciding to stick it out with the boys when she could easily have begged for another room. That week had gone great - and then Bellamy turned up in the middle of the night, heavy bag slung over his shoulder and an irritable edge to his voice.

* * *

_“What are you doing here?” He’d asked. “You my roommates girlfriend or something?”_  
  
_“Actually, I’m your roommate,” she said, yawning and checking the time - 1:45am. “Clarke.”_  
  
_“Ah, so the idiots in accommodation read your name, didn’t check, and stuck you in here?” He threw his bag at the foot of his bed and tore off his shirt, clearly uncaring that there was a stranger, let alone a female stranger, in his presence, and proceeded to strip down to his boxers and lie down **over the covers,** laying an arm over his eyes. “You staying?” He asked rudely._  
  
_“Didn’t see any reason not to,” she shrugged, trying not to be irritated by his tone. “I didn’t have a roommate.”_  
  
_“Well you do now,” he shifted his arm so he could crack an eye open at her, condescension rolling off him in waves. “That gonna be a problem, Princess?”_  
  
_“Only if you keep calling me sexist nicknames, shitdick,” she replied, throwing one of her cushions down with perfect aim and hitting him in the stomach. Then she rolled over to face the wall, trying to get to sleep while she internally fumed at her perfect situation being ruined by a grumpy jock type with no sense of boundaries._

* * *

It was different now, of course.  
  
But back then, they hated each other. They basically existed in separate spheres, in different time zones, which should have made things easier, but the fact that Bellamy was out all night and Clarke got up early made things incredibly aggravating for both of them. They woke each other up constantly, and never had a nice word to say to one another. Clarke was lucky there were other people on their floor, otherwise her opinion of men might have been irreparably damaged by her infuriating roommate with no consideration for space or feelings or time. Jasper and Monty who shared the room across the halls from them were super nice, if a little dorky, and they hosted a D&D night every Tuesday which Clarke sometimes sat and watched. Murphy lived down the hall - no-one knew his first name, which Jasper joked made him like Madonna - with a roommate no-one ever saw, called Riley. Also on their floor were Finn Collins and Kyle Wick, and Miller and Macallan in the room at the end.  
  
Clarke hung out with all of them, even Murphy, despite the fact that he openly despised everyone, and they all seemed to like having her around.  
  
Except Bellamy. They barely communicated at all, and on the rare occasions when they were forced to talk to each other, it was always with thinly veiled contempt. Not exactly the best living situation. It took a few weeks after their first interaction for Clarke to even learn Bellamy’s name, and it wasn’t because he told her, but because his sister stormed into the room, calling his name, only to find Clarke in her underwear. At which point, naturally, she assumed that Clarke was one of his _conquests_ and started making snide remarks.

* * *

_“What is it about my brother that makes bimbos like you fall over themselves to get in his pants?” she asked, shaking her head in disappointment._  
  
_“You got me,” was all Clarke said in response, refusing to engage._  
  
_“No, I’m seriously asking,” she said petulantly. “Because I just don’t get it.”_  
  
_Clarke decided to ignore the girl and sit at the desk, still just wearing her bra because Bellamy’s sister was standing in front of her wardrobe and she looked scary. When Bellamy came in twenty minutes later and saw her purple lace bra, he recoiled dramatically._  
  
_“What the **fuck** , Princess, put some clothes on!” He tore his own shirt off and tossed it to her, to really hammer the statement home._  
  
_“Nah, I think I’m good, thanks though Bellamy,” she said, throwing the shirt back to him. “Might even go for a walk down the hall like this. I heard Murphy’s running a bet about my cup-size so this might give him an opportunity to collect.”_  
  
_Bellamy frowned as he put his books down on the desk next to her forearm, still pointedly avoiding looking at her chest. “Murphy’s been doing what?”_  
  
_“I figured you’d heard. Honestly I’m surprised you haven’t bet already, considering you’ve got access to my clothes,” she pointed out, matter-of-fact._  
  
_He folded his arms. “I wouldn’t do that.”_  
  
_“No?” Clarke raised an eyebrow at him._  
  
_“No, it’s disgusting,” he snapped. “And if I hear Murphy talk about it, I’m going to punch his head through a wall. Who else has been doing stuff like that to you?”_  
  
_She shrugged. “We’re in college, Bellamy. It’s a bunch of horny boys with a girl in their dorm, it’s not like I didn’t expect to get objectified. As long as none of them are actually trying to make moves on me, I’m not offended.”_  
  
_“Well I am!” Bellamy said, probably a little louder than he meant to, at which point his sister cleared her throat and he realised they weren’t alone. His head jerked up in surprise. “O?! What the hell are you doing here?”_  
  
_O shrugged. “I realised we hadn’t spoken since you moved in here and I came over to surprise you. Found your girlfriend without her clothes on.”_  
  
_“She’s not my girlfriend,” he said, at the same time as Clarke said,_  
  
_“That’s disgusting.”_  
  
_Bellamy shot her a look, but it was tinged with something that wasn’t entirely anger. It was almost - **almost** \- amusement. “Thanks, Princess, I appreciate that. O, this is my roommate, Clarke. Clarke, this is my younger sister Octavia; she’s in college too.”_  
  
_“Sports Therapy,” Octavia said noncommittally, suddenly fascinated by the woman in the room. “Wait, so you really weren’t lying earlier, you don’t sleep with my brother?”_  
  
_“No, and I honestly don’t get the appeal,” she lied. She knew exactly what his appeal was - his face, his body, his occasional ability to be charming (although not to her, of course) - it just so happened that her annoyance at his personality far outshined the appeal. Even if she did find herself letting her eyes linger every now and then. It didn’t help things that he basically **refused** to wear clothes around the dorm. “Sports Therapy, huh? So you’ll know Lincoln?”_  
  
_Octavia blinked, cheeks colouring a little. “Uh, yeah, I, uh, I’ve seen him around, why?”_  
  
_“Oh, it’s just, he’s doing some of my medical classes as part of his ST class. He’s probably my only friend here that doesn’t live on this floor,” Clarke admitted. “I’m not exactly social.”_  
  
_“Well that’s just a crime,” Octavia flopped onto Bellamy’s bed, ignoring his protests. “You know, I’ve got some people I could introduce you to.”_

* * *

And that was how Clarke had made the group of friends that she still had - Harper, Emori, Raven, Luna and Maya, plus Lincoln and the guys in her dorm, led to a surprisingly robust social life for the first year of college. She loved them all, and once they started merging the two groups together - Harper and Maya coming to D&D nights, and Luna coming to cram in Clarke’s room before big tests - they eventually gave in and just formed one big friendship group that seemed to constantly congregate on their floor. (Even Murphy).  
  
Bellamy was a little harder to drag into the fun. While he and Miller became fast friends, he was wary of everyone (especially Murphy) and he and Clarke still weren’t exactly simpatico, so for a few months, he mostly hung back. Clarke thought it had something to do with the fact that Octavia was part of the group and he didn’t want to step on her toes, but it didn’t take her long to realise that he and Octavia had no problem with stomping on each other’s feet.  
  
Apparently, their mom had died when Bellamy was young and their dads were both out of the picture, so he’d basically had to raise his sister, postponing his own college experience so that they had enough money for Octavia to go. When it turned out that Octavia had a full-ride sports scholarship, she convinced him to enrol at the same time as her. Which seemed to have its ups and downs - they clearly loved each other a lot, but the line between sibling and parent was blurred between them, and it caused a lot of fights.  
He came to the bar with them on Friday nights, but that was really the only group activity he participated in that involved all of them. Clarke began to wonder if it was her fault that he wasn’t involving himself, but he didn’t seem bothered by his lack of engagement. If anything, he seemed to use the time they were all out together as an excuse to bring girls home when no-one was around.  
Which naturally led to Clarke constantly coming home to half-naked girls in her room, usually with their clothes strewn across the floor, but she refused to complain about it, because while she and Bellamy weren’t exactly at _peace_ , they weren’t constantly fighting anymore and she didn’t want to break that.  
  
Right up until the day her father died.  
  
It came completely out of the blue, and as the full weight of it hit her, she found herself idly thinking that she shouldn’t have answered the phone between lectures. Her father was gone and everything inside her just came grinding to a halt. As she listened to her mother explain how quickly it had happened down the phone, she found herself speeding up on her walk back to the dorm. She felt numb, empty, but she knew she was going to cry at some point, and she needed to be alone when she did.  
  
She flung open the door, only to be met with Bellamy wearing a towel and a woman putting her underwear on, on _Clarke’s_ bed.  
  
And something inside her just snapped.

* * *

_“Isn’t it enough that you’re constantly bringing women here like you’re parading them for the entire floor to see,” she growled, picking the girl’s jeans up off the floor and throwing them at her. “Do you really have to let them use my half of the room as well? I mean, **really**? Do you have **any** decency, any consideration of the fact that you live with another person?”_  
  
_Bellamy stood there, confused as to where her sudden rage had come from, and raised his hands in surrender. “Damn, alright, sorry I’ll draw a line with chalk down the center of the room next time.”_  
  
_“I shouldn’t have to ask,” she said, rounding on him. “You should just know.”_  
  
_He scoffed. “Well I’m sorry that you’re used to being waited on hand and foot, Princess, but you’re the one who decided to stay here, so if you don’t like it then just put Daddy’s money to good use and **move**.”_  
  
_And of course, he couldn’t have known. There was no way he would have any clue how hard those words would hit her, how much they felt like a gunshot wound through her chest, but they did, and she felt like her skin was on fire. Rage was rolling off her in burning waves, and the unfamiliar girl could see it, but Bellamy didn’t appear to care aside from being irritated at her, and that only made her blood reach boiling point faster._  
  
_“Get out.” Clarke said, deadly calm._  
  
_The girl took one look at her and ran out the door, still buttoning her blouse, but Bellamy was hovering by his bed. “What the hell is wrong with you? You don’t know her, there’s no reason to be rude!”_  
  
_“I wasn’t talking to her,” she hissed, grabbing his wrist and yanking it until he was standing in the open doorway. “Get the fuck out, Bellamy.” She shoved him into the hall and slammed the door behind him, locking it._  
  
_“Clarke!” He banged on the door. “Clarke, this isn’t funny, let me in! Clarke?!’_  
  
_By this point, she could hear Monty emerging from his room, asking Bellamy what was going on, but she didn’t care anymore. She slid down the door and ended up in a heap on the floor, staring at a patch of the wall where the paint was chipped away. Time passed, and she wasn’t sure how much of it, but she knew it had, because Bellamy stopped hitting the door and other people came up, knocking and trying to convince her to open it on his behalf._  
  
_“Hey Clarke? Do you mind letting Bellamy in? If you don’t let him in soon, I’m gonna have to lend him my clothes so he’s not just standing naked in the hall, and I don’t want my nice clothes on his disgustingly handsome body, it’ll ruin them,” Miller tried jokingly, and any other day it might have made her laugh, but she just pressed her temple harder against the floor._

_“So I guess D &D is off tonight?” Jasper asked, knocking lightly._

_“I’m not saying you should let him in, but could you at least say something? Let us know you’re not dead in there?” Monty asked, gentle, but she couldn’t move._

_She could see the sun going down through the curtains, but she just **couldn’t** make herself move. Her whole world had shattered. Everything was wrong, and her phone kept buzzing in her hand, but her hand was out of view and she couldn’t move her head, so she just let it light up until the occasional light from its screen was the only thing brightening the room. It was only when the darkness had well and truly fallen that a flurry of voices filled the hallway outside her room; some kind of argument seemed to be happening, one she was barely registering, but it was followed by a light rapping on the door and a familiar voice carried through the wood, and it was that voice that finally snapped her from the frozen state she was in._

_“Clarke?” Wells asked softly. “Clarke, please open the door.”_

_“I can’t,” she whispered, hoarse and cracked. What was he doing here?_

_“Yes you can, c’mon, just let me in,” he urged. When she didn’t respond, he sighed, and she felt him shift against the door. “Your mom called me right after she called you. I got on a plane the second I heard.”_

_“I don’t know what to do,” she said, voice barely audible._

_“I know. But you’ve gotta let us in,” he said. “I’m sorry, I know you want to just lock it away, but you have to understand, there’s an entire floor of people out here who don’t know what’s going on and they l **ove you,** Clarke.”_

_“Why haven’t you told them?”_

_“Because it’s not mine to tell. If you didn’t want to talk about it, it’s not my place to do it for you,” he said. “Clarke, please, please just open the door.”_

_“I can’t,” she said, and she could feel the build-up to the break happening, like a wave rolling into existence, reaching the peak before it crested. “I can’t move.”_

_“Yes you can,” he promised. “You can, Clarke, you just have to sit up, that’s all.”_

_But sitting up didn’t feel like a simple thing - it felt like if she moved from that spot it would all become real and she couldn’t do that. She wanted to keep lying there forever. To remain in stasis._

_“I can’t, Wells,” she said, and the note of finality in her voice must have been audible through the door, because he fell silent. A few minutes later, she heard them have a hushed argument._

_“What’s wrong with her?” Murphy asked, actually sounding concerned._

_“It’s not my business to say,” Wells replied politely. “But she’s not opening the door.”_

_“Is she sick, does she need medical attention?” Harper asked._

_“I don’t know. I don’t think so, but I… I just don’t know,” he said, sounding heartbroken at the idea. “You said she’s been in there all day. I’m not sure what to do to get her out.”_

_“Well if she doesn’t want to, what’s the harm in just letting her keep the room for tonight?” That was Finn’s voice. “Bellamy can stay with one of us and we’ll try again tomorrow.”_

_There was a pause._

_“No, I’d rather we unlock the door tonight,” Wells said._

_“Why?”_

_“Because…” Wells hesitated._

_“Because her friend is worried she’s going to hurt herself, and frankly, so am I,” Raven said, voice loud and authoritative in the small space. “Is there anything going on that might have triggered this?”_

_“It really isn’t my place to say,” Wells said._

_“Do we need to call an ambulance or something?” Wick asked._

_“I’m not sure,” Wells sighed. “Look, just give me another hour to talk to her and if I can’t convince her, we’ll come up with a plan, okay? Is that- Excuse me, excuse me?! Where are you going?!”_

_Bellamy’s gruff voice was fainter than the others and it faded as he spoke, like he was walking away. “Clearly you’ve all got this handled, so why am I even here?”_

_“What’s wrong with him?”_

_“He shares a room with Clarke. They don’t like each other much,” Jasper explained. “She locked him out in the hall with only a towel, so he’s been pretty annoyed all afternoon. I thought you said you were Clarke’s best friend from home; she hasn’t told you about him?”_

_“We haven’t spoken in a while. We had an argument, it was my fault,” he said._

_“No it wasn’t,” Clarke murmured through the door._

_He started against the door like he didn’t expect her to hear. “Yeah it was - I should have told you the second I knew.”_

_Clarke wanted to respond, to reassure her friend that she didn’t care what he’d done and that she loved him anyway, because time was fleeting and she wanted to tell the people she loved that she loved them before she lost the chance. Before the thought was even fully formed in her head, however, there was a sharp noise at the window, and then one side of it slowly creaked open like it hadn’t been moved in a hundred years, and a large, looming figure dragged themself through the gap._

_“What’s going on in there? Clarke, are you moving?” Wells asked._

_She just squeezed her eyes shut. If this was a murderer, she’d rather he got it over with so she didn’t have to think anymore. But as the shadow fell over her, she heard the last voice she ever expected to hear, “Clarke.”_

_**Bellamy**._

_He’d scaled his way up the building and climbed in through the window. That couldn’t have been safe, or easy, and she found herself wondering if regaining control of the shared bedroom was really worth all that effort. Until he said, “I’m sorry.”_

_She wanted to open her eyes so she could look at him in confusion but now that they were shut she was terrified to open them again in case the tears broke loose._

_“I can’t move,” she whispered. “I’m sorry, I should have let you in, but I can’t move.”_

_“No, no,” he said, and she had a feeling he was shaking his head fervently, “Clarke, don’t- I’m sorry, don’t apologise. I should have realised earlier, I should have known.”_

_“Known?”_

_“That something happened,” his fingers touched her hair and if she could feel anything she might have flinched. He stroked her curls from her face while his other hand carefully pried the phone out of her fingers. “Is this okay?”_

_She hummed a yes, a lump rising in her throat._

_“What do you need, Princess?” Bellamy asked, and it was the way he said the name that broke her. Because she was so used to hearing that word infused with derision and annoyance that hearing it wrapped in tenderness and full of concern just cracked her heart in two. The wave crested, the floodgates opened, the hourglass tipped. Suddenly she was heaving painful sobs into her hands as she covered her face, trying to hide the agony from the world, and she couldn’t breathe and she couldn’t think and everything **hurt** and she just wanted everything to be over because no-one should ever have to feel that much._

_“I can’t-” she hiccoughed, unable to finish the word, let alone a sentence, and she wanted to scream endlessly or punch something or both._

_“Can I touch you?” Bellamy asked. “I’m just going to lift you off the floor, is that okay?”_

_She nodded into her hands and his arms curled around her, lifting her up, but he didn’t carry her to the bed like she thought he would. Instead, he sat down in her vacated space, scooping her into his lap and holding her close. She turned her head into his shoulder and she didn’t care that this was Bellamy, or that they were supposed to hate each other, she just cried. Her fingers scrunched in his (Miller’s) shirt, and he readjusted his arms so that he could support her head, stroking her hair._

_“I’m so sorry, Princess,” he murmured._

_She only sobbed harder, unable to control the grief that was pouring off her._

_“Is that Bellamy?” Monty’s voice asked through the door._

_“Yeah,” he said, gruff. “She’s okay, I’ve got her.”_

_“Are you sure?” Wells sounded sceptical._

_Footsteps pounded down the hall, and Octavia and Emori both asked, “Is she okay, where is she, what can we do?” overlapping each other in their concern for Clarke._

_“It’s okay, Bellamy’s in there with her,” Monty reassured them._

_“How did he get in?” Emori asked._

_“Climbed in the window.”_

_“We’re on the third floor!”_

_“Yeah, well, when he sets his mind to something,” Miller said noncommittally, as if the fact that Bellamy had just scaled a building was no big feat at all._

_“Hey guys, we’re okay in here but Clarke can hear all of you, so if you want to talk maybe take it into the kitchen,” Bellamy called out. After some grumbling, their friends complied, and the noises moved further down the hall until they couldn’t hear anything at all except Clarke’s rattling breaths. She relaxed slightly in the quiet, which only served to make the crying worse, but Bellamy didn’t seem to mind. If anything, he held her closer._

_She wasn’t sure how long they sat there and she didn’t care, but eventually, she knew she had to explain. She sniffled, trying to get her tears under control, and when she spoke, it sounded small, like it belonged to a much younger Clarke - one who hadn’t been faced with the realities of the world yet. “My dad died.”_

_Bellamy let his cheek drop against the crown of her head, breathing in slowly. “I know.”_

_“Wells tell you?”_

_“No, I… I just know,” he said, and she remembered that he’d still been a teenager when his own mother died. “I’m so sorry, Clarke.”_

_“He’s my dad,” she sobbed, pressing her nose harder into the dip in his collarbone, and he huffed out a shaky breath and shifted her upwards, closer, until her face was tucked into the crook of his neck and his arms were firmly wrapped around her._

_“I know,” he whispered. “I’ve got you. We don’t have to move, Princess, we can just stay right here for as long as you need.”_

_“I don’t know what I need,” she admitted, muffled._

_“Then we’ll sit here until you do.”_

* * *

After that day, things were different.

When they eventually emerged from the bedroom, Wells had told her friends why she’d locked herself in the room, and all of them tried to help in their own ways. Some offered her weed (Jasper and Monty), some offered to buy her alcohol to drown her sorrows (Octavia, Emori, Miller) and one even offered to cook for her (Murphy, surprisingly) but mostly they just allowed her the space to breathe.

Except for Bellamy.

That first night he stayed glued to her side, palm flattened against the small of her back as she faced her friends, eyes always cutting to her, checking in. When she decided she was tired and wanted to sleep sometime in the early hours of the morning, Bellamy disappeared into their room ahead of her. She promised Wells she would talk to him about their previous disagreement the next day and he told her he would wait as long as she needed - apparently he was bunking in Miller and Macallan’s room - and shuffled into her room.

Bellamy had pushed the beds together.

* * *

_“What-”_

_“I’m sleeping in Monty’s room,” he reassured her, still tucking a double sheet over both mattresses. “I just figured you could do with some extra comfort.”_

_“You didn’t have to do that.”_

_“Yeah I did,” he threw a duvet over the beds and stacked the pillows, standing back to admire his handiwork. “I’ve been kind of a dick to you since I moved in.”_

_“So have I,” Clarke admitted. She knew there were times when she could have been nicer, could have been less confrontational, could have thrown him a bone._

_He shrugged. “Anyway, I thought this might help.”_

_“Hell of an olive branch,” Clarke sat down on the edge of the mattress in front of him, looking up into his tired eyes. She could see the guilt in them, the desire to bolt. He looked away, wringing his hands, and stepped backwards towards the door, mouth open with an excuse ready. She didn’t let him get to it. “You could stay, you know.”_

_He froze._

_“Not- I just mean…” she swallowed, looking down at her knees. “I don’t really want to be alone right now.”_

_“I could grab one of the others if you need them - O or Harper or Wells,” he suggested, shifting his weight from side to side anxiously._

_She shook her head at him, stretching her fingers out until they touched his. He let her pull him closer until he was standing between her knees and she dropped his hand and wrapped her arms around his torso. “Thank you.” Clarke mumbled into his shirt._

_He hugged her back, nose against the crown of her head. “Don’t thank me.”_

_“Thank you, Bellamy,” she said more forcefully, and he sighed and stepped back from her, maintaining eye contact._

_“I can leave.”_

_“Stay,” she said, and then blinked. “Unless you don’t want to, obviously, in which case you sh-”_

_“Alright, Princess,” he said quietly, moving to pull off his shirt as he always did before bed, but he froze halfway. “This okay?”_

_She waved a hand dismissively. “Fine.”_

_He tossed it in the corner and stepped out of his pants while she pulled the covers aside and crawled under them. She closed her eyes and heard him rummaging around the room, putting things away and turning the light off. She felt the bed dip when Bellamy climbed in after her. He was a few inches away from her in the dark and she reached blindly out towards him, cuddling his left arm to her chest with both of hers and pressing her face into his shoulder._

_“That comfortable for you?” Bellamy asked sceptically._

_“Nothing feels comfortable for me right now,” she pointed out._

_“Fair,” he said, but moved closer to her all the same._

* * *

Over the next few weeks, she missed a bunch of classes. She made up with Wells, called her mother and arranged to fly back for her father’s funeral, and cried more than she had previously thought possible.

And all the while, Bellamy was her constant.

Every night they went to sleep in the same bed and every morning when she woke up in tears he was there to get her through it. He stopped bringing girls around - probably because it was hard to explain to a hook-up why you share a bed with your roommate - and stopped acting like so much of a jerk, and he became one of Clarke’s closest friends. She loved Octavia of course, and Monty and Wells and all her other friends, but something about the way Bellamy just _knew_ what she was thinking just made her more comfortable in his presence than anyone else’s.

They started talking more, after he turned the lights out and they were lying together in the dark. He told her about his mother, about the day she died. She told him stories about her father and how much of herself had come from him. He told her about raising Octavia. She told him about her rocky relationship with her mother. He talked about his opinions on politics and philosophy and she agreed with almost all of it. She mentioned her aversion to religion and he started telling her the creation stories from hundreds of cultures, ones she wouldn’t have even been able to name before he mentioned them. She asked him once why he was doing a business degree if he was so interested in mythology and history and he shrugged and told her it didn’t matter what he was passionate about, he just needed a degree that would get him a job.

When she flew back to Colorado for Jake’s funeral, Bellamy came with her.

And so did everybody else.

* * *

_“What are you all doing here?” Clarke asked. She’d been home long enough to introduce Bellamy to her mother and Wells’ dad, and they were getting ready to order dinner when the doorbell rang. She went to answer it only to find all her friends standing on the porch._

_All of them._

_Octavia shrugged. “Bellamy said he was coming with you and we didn’t want him to suddenly get the credit for being your friend when we were all here first.”_

_“Plus we thought you might need some support right now,” Harper added._

_“Yeah, that too.”_

_Clarke blinked back tears which, for the first time in nearly two weeks, were actually happy. “I can’t believe you guys did this. You really didn’t need to-”_

_“Don’t even start,” Monty interrupted, stepping forward to hug her tightly. “We’re all here because we want to be.”_

_“And I’m being paid to be here,” Murphy deadpanned._

_“This was your idea,” Jasper said, frowning._

_“Shut up nerd,” he complained, trying to push through them and into the house, but Clarke caught him and dragged him into a hug before he could. He reluctantly reciprocated, and then all of them were joining in, turning the whole thing into a massive group hug. “This is my nightmare.”_

_“Don’t be a baby Murphy,” Wick grinned as the group dispersed into the house and he slapped Murphy’s ass jokingly as he passed. “You know you love us really.”_

_“I regret everything about this.”_

_Clarke hooked her arm around his elbow and dragged him after the others. “This is what you get for doing a nice thing.”_

_“And I’ll never make that mistake again,” he swore, but his hand closed over hers in the crook of his elbow anyway, making sure she was okay._

_When they arrived in the kitchen, Abby and Thelonius were staring at the sudden crowd in confusion, while Bellamy grinned over his coffee at their friends - he must have known all along that they planned to show up. Wells bumped fists with Raven and Miller as they leaned against the counter; it was nice how quickly he’d fallen into their friend group, like he’d always been there._

_“Mom, these are my college friends,” Clarke explained. “This is Octavia and Raven-”_

_“Hey.”_

_“-Monty and Jasper-”_

_“Hi!”_

_“-Harper-”_

_“Sorry for barging in.”_

_“-Emori-”_

_“Nice to meet you.”_

_“-Lincoln-”_

_He nodded politely._

_“-Miller, Macallan, Kyle, Luna, Maya, Finn, Riley-”_

_They all waved._

_“-and Murphy.”_

_“Ma’am,” Murphy said, ducking his head respectfully._

_“ **Ma’am?** ” Clarke mouthed at him mockingly, earning an elbow to the ribs. She loved that Murphy was able to act normally around her. The others - kind as they all were - were all still treading on eggshells around her, but Murphy was his usual dickish self. It was grounding. She looked around at everyone. “I still can’t believe you all came.”_

_“Of course we came, Griffin,” Raven said, punctuating it with a good-natured eye roll. “We’re your family.”_

* * *

They stayed the night in the spare rooms, bunking together like a party in the dorms and whispering deep into the night. When Monty asked Bellamy where he was sleeping, he looked unsure, but Clarke smiled weakly at him, trying to encourage him to do what he wanted, and all it did was cement his decision to stay with her. He went to brush his teeth and when he poked his head into her room, she was crying quietly in her bed. He pulled her into his arms and they lay there together, staring at the ceiling while she sobbed, until she cried herself to sleep.

The next day, at the funeral, she held herself together for the eulogy, managed to give a speech of her own, and even through the wake. Wells was glued to her side the entire time, and Bellamy squeezed her hand whenever he passed, and everyone at the wake came up to tell her how wonderful of a man her father was. It wasn’t until she had a moment to herself that she broke down again; Monty and Harper discovered her outside on a park bench trying to calm herself down and sat with her until Miller saw them and decided to bring over the flask of whiskey he’d been hiding in his jacket.

By the time they returned to Abby’s house, her friends had made it their mission to distract her with food and alcohol and movies and games, and she loved them all for it.

But she loved Bellamy more for checking in with her throughout the day. Like when she took a deep breath and noticed him looking at her from across the room, nodding once he realised she was okay. Or when he brushed past her on the way to the kitchen to get a drink and put a placating hand on her waist as he did, to let her know he was there if she needed.

They stayed for two days after the funeral before they all had to get back to college, and Clarke made sure to spend as much time with her mother and Wells as possible before she left. More than anything, Jake’s death had impressed upon her a fear of losing the people she loved, and she wanted to take as much advantage of the time she had with them as possible. Not that her friends seemed particularly bothered by her lack of attentiveness to them. Bellamy was dragged into town by Octavia and Jasper and Monty made edibles in Abby’s pristine kitchen and Raven tinkered with Thelonius’s old car and all of them just enjoyed the brief respite from classes.

Abby waved them off sadly, having grown attached to all of them as Clarke had. Wells promised to visit again whenever he could and invited her to come see him at Harvard whenever she wanted.

Once they were back in the California, everything slowly returned to normal. People stopped treading so lightly around her and she stopped crying herself to sleep every night, and things slipped into a new rhythm. She made sure to call her mother at least once a week, and Wells more than twice, and even started painting again. Things were moving forward.

But she and Bellamy still shared a bed.

They never talked about it, and he never moved it back.

At least, not for a few weeks.

Then she went away to visit Wells for a weekend - the first time she’d done it - and when she returned their beds were back on opposite sides of the room, sheets tucked in like they’d always been that way, and she stood in the doorway for a minute, completely confused. But of course, it was never going to be a permanent thing. They weren’t dating. They were just friends, and Bellamy had probably been waiting for an opportunity to pull the beds apart for a while and thought it would be easiest to do it while she was away.

That was all it was.

But still, she was uneasy. Which wasn’t helped by the fact that he never said a word to her about it. Just strolled in after his class like nothing had changed. So she adopted the same attitude. She laughed with him and bickered with him and tried to pretend she didn’t enjoy seeing him shirtless - everything was normal.

Bellamy got a job at a bar in town and as the months went by he started spending less and less time in the dorms, which was to be expected - Miller and Finn worked there too, and the hours were sporadic and often late - but Clarke missed having his reassuring presence around. Especially at night. He didn’t owe her anything and she’d never let herself get so attached to someone that she couldn’t sleep without them, but every now and then when she lay down to sleep and couldn’t hear Bellamy’s soft breathing as she drifted off, she felt a pang of something she couldn’t put a finger on.

But things moved on.

* * *

_“You’re dating someone?!” Clarke asked, gobsmacked, as she watched Bellamy get ready for work. “You have an actual girlfriend?”_

_He bristled. “What, like I can’t?”_

_“No, it’s just… you’re not the girlfriend type.”_

_“What are you talking about?” he rounded on her, more defensive than she expected him to be._

_“Whoa, calm down there Danny Zuko,” she raised her hands in surrender. “I just mean that in all the time I’ve known you, I’ve never seen you maintain anything past a casual hook-up.”_

_“You haven’t known me that long, Princess,” he tossed a change of shirt into his bag and it was then she realised he wasn’t just packing for his shift, but also to spend the night somewhere and all those disappearances lately suddenly made sense. He was staying at her house._

_“Don’t be a dick, Bellamy, I’m just saying-”_

_“Well I don’t need your opinion, I’m just letting you know. Her name’s Gina, she works at the bar with us, and she’s great. Problem?”_

_She frowned. “Bellamy I have literally not said anything negative. I was **surprised** that you had a girlfriend, not bothered by it. If you give me twenty seconds to process that information instead of jumping down my throat, I could be happy for you.”_

_He threw the bag over his shoulders. “Whatever.”_

_The door closed a tad more aggressively than normal after him, and she wondered why he’d reacted so strongly all of a sudden. She felt inexplicably upset._

_Someone knocked and when she told them to come in, it was Jasper waving a bag of brownies. “Dungeons and Doobies?”_

_“That is the single worst name you could have possibly come up with for getting high and playing D &D and honestly I respect you for it,” she said, sliding off the bed to snatch the bag from his hand and follow him across the hall into their room to where Monty was already setting everything up._

_“It’s a talent,” Jasper grinned, plonking himself down on the floor._

_Harper, Maya, Murphy and Lincoln all joined them after a while, and they spent the next four hours completely engrossed in the campaign. Monty was an amazing Dungeon Master and always had weird, interesting twists to throw in when things started getting formulaic._

_So it wasn’t until they were packing things up that Clarke finally remembered the events in her room earlier. “Hey, did you guys know Bellamy has a girlfriend?”_

_“What, no he doesn’t,” Maya scrunched up her nose, like the idea was so foreign it didn’t compute in her brain._

_“That’s what I said,” Clarke mused. “Apparently they’ve been dating for over a month. Her name’s Gina, she works at the bar.”_

_“Oh.” Harper tilted her head. “I guess that makes sense.”_

_“Good for him,” Lincoln said._

_“He’s an idiot,” Murphy muttered._

_“Why?” Jasper asked, popping another piece of brownie in his mouth._

_Murphy glanced around at them all. “Nothing, forget it.”_

_“So none of you have met her?” Clarke asked, disappointed. She really wanted to find out more about this girl without having to stalk her instagram._

_“Ask Miller or Finn, I’m sure they’d know,” Harper shrugged._

* * *

The next morning, when Clarke _did_ ask Miller and Finn, they both knew Gina - liked her too - but neither of them had any clue she was dating Bellamy. Clarke felt a little flattered that she was the first person Bellamy had told, even if he’d been a bit of a dick about it, and she wondered if maybe that was why; if she was his test audience for the announcement and she laughed it off, maybe that triggered some feelings of resentment in him.

So when Bellamy came home in the afternoon, she tried to apologise for unintentionally belittling him but she’d barely got the first sentence out before he blurted out his own apology for overreacting.

She asked when she could meet Gina and he said he was thinking of inviting everyone out to the bar while they were both on shift so the whole gang could meet her.

So they did.

And dammit, Gina was amazing.

She was kind, and funny, and smart, and clearly cared a lot about Bellamy. She got on well with Miller and Finn, and immediately caught on to Monty and Jasper’s humour. She was less inclined towards Murphy, but that was normal. She pretended not to notice them drinking even though they were all under twenty-one. She could do that thing where she tossed bottles around and somehow made the perfect drink, which impressed them all (even Murphy) and she was just generally kind of a perfect person. In fact, Clarke was finding it hard to find a single flaw. (Not that she was looking for one. At all.)

It didn’t take long for Gina to become a pretty regular part of the group. She hired Macallan to play at the bar on Tuesday nights and gave Riley a job in the kitchen, and she was friendly with Raven _and_ Octavia. She even showed up to play D&D with them sometimes.

The end of their first year was fast approaching and Clarke wasn’t looking forward to her second year of medical exams. She also wasn’t thinking about who she’d live with until Bellamy sprung it on her one afternoon when she visited him at work.

* * *

_“Hey,” she said tiredly. “Alcohol please.”_

_He snorted and slid a drink across the bar at her. “Why aren’t you in the dorms, isn’t D &D on right now?”_

_She slumped forward over the counter, bumping her head on the wood. “I couldn’t do it. I’m so tired Bellamy. I wanted to crawl into bed and never leave but we live in a dorm and everyone is **so loud** and most of the time I don’t care but sometimes I just wanna be left alone and I’m exhausted.”_

_Bellamy regarded her thoughtfully. “I might have a solution for that.”_

_“Is it murder?”_

_“You’ve been spending too much time with Murphy.”_

_“You are not wrong.”_

_He poked her arm until she sat up and looked at him properly, and then he put the rag he was holding down and propped himself up on his elbows in front of her. “You wanna move in with me next year?”_

_She opened her mouth, realised that wasn’t what she was expecting him to say, and closed it._

_He rushed to continue. “Before you ask, Gina and I are great, but we’ve been together a couple of months and neither of us think it’s a good idea to move in with each other so early in the relationship, and I like living with you. I love our friends, but I agree they can be a bit much sometimes, so whaddya say? Wanna keep being roommates?”_

_She thought about it for a moment. “We’re getting an apartment with two bedrooms, I’m not putting up with your piles of laundry or listening to you hook up with Gina when I’m trying to sleep anymore.”_

_He laughed. “Deal. Thank god, honestly, if I have to wake up to Murphy singing loudly in the hallway one more time I’m going to throw him into the nearest volcano.”_

_“What’re you giggling about?” Gina asked cheerfully, coming up behind him and sliding her arms around his chest. Clarke tried to ignore the tiny part of her that wanted to turn her nose up at the contact. There was no reason for her to feel that way._

_“Murphy’s singing,” Bellamy said, grinning over his shoulder at her._

_“Ah, yep, that’ll do it,” she turned her sunshine expression to Clarke. “Has he begged to move in with you next year yet?”_

_Clarke couldn’t help but smile back. It was impossible not to like Gina. “Oh yeah. Big impassioned speech and everything. It was gross. I said yes though, obviously. I care too much about everyone else to subject them to that.”_

_“Noble of you,” Gina said teasingly, kissing Bellamy briefly before she darted away down the bar._

_He watched her go, happiness playing at his lips._

_“I’m serious Bellamy,” Clarke knocked the last of her drink back and slid money towards him, winking. “Two rooms.”_

* * *

Clarke really did like Gina.

Which was why she couldn’t understand why something pulled at her gut every time she saw the woman hug Bellamy, or smile at him, or the frequent occasions they made out by the dartboard after work when everyone was hanging out.

She shook it off, for the most part. She played D&D and she helped Riley study for his finals and hung out with Finn and Raven and skyped Wells whenever she could. She even convincingly pretended that she hadn’t noticed that Harper and Monty had been dating for a month before they announced it to the group. And after a while, when the bar was closed and everyone was hanging out, she started accepting Murphy’s offer of a cigarette.

Not because she actually wanted to smoke, but because she didn’t want to look up and catch the way Bellamy beamed at Gina while she talked to their friends.

Murphy never asked. He seemed to know, but he never asked. He just handed her a cigarette and they stood out there in the cold, sometimes not even lighting them, sometimes holding them lit in their fingers until they burned down to the stub without taking a single puff. Some nights they talked and some they didn’t. He was a surprisingly good person to have around. Ever since her father died, he’d been understanding, less douchey, and she realised why one night when they were standing out there, sharing one instead of wasting two and he told her about his own parents. About his father who died because he was too poor to afford healthcare and raise a son and his mother who left him behind because it was all too much. He told her he’d tried to find his mother once, in high school, when he was on his fifth foster family, but she didn’t want to be found. He was at peace with it, resigned to the fact that his mother didn’t want him, but he knew how Clarke felt losing a parent and feeling alienated from another and he promised her he would never let her feel as alone as he did.

She swore to him he wasn’t alone anymore.

They were a depressing pair, but at least they were in it together.

After a while she started spending more and more time with Murphy, until they had nearly as many in-jokes as she had with Bellamy and Wells, and their dark senses of humour complimented each other in a way their friends were horrified at and amused by in equal measure.

Wells came down a few weekends later and spent few nights at the bar - including one in which he came outside with Murphy and Clarke, which no-one else had worked up the nerve to try - and as per usual he charmed everyone in sight. When he followed the two of them outside, much to their surprise, they didn’t even feel like he was invading their ritual because wherever Wells went it felt like home. He didn’t smoke but he watched them lean against the back wall and talk, occasionally chiming in, and Murphy offered him pretzels from the bag he’d swiped from behind the bar.

When they shuffled back indoors, they were met with Gina and Bellamy kissing in celebration at his victory against Lincoln at pool, and Clarke couldn’t help but stumble at the sight. Wells knew her too well, and he immediately slipped his fingers through hers and squeezed tight. She looked up at him gratefully, bumping her shoulder against his, and when she worked up the courage to return her gaze to her friends, Gina and Bellamy had parted and Bellamy was looking over at them. He was smiling, but there was something a little off about it when his eyes tracked to their joined hands. It quickly vanished and Clarke refused to dwell on it, choosing instead to challenge Miller to the next game of pool. They did battle, Wells cheering loudly for her on the side while Murphy rolled his eyes and Emori took bets on the victor.

Clarke wiped the floor with everyone who stepped up.

The next day, when they were all still recovering from hangovers, Wells and Clarke were nursing headaches in the kitchen when Gina and Bellamy came in, tangled up in each other as they made breakfast. Gina, frustratingly perky, decided the four of them should go look at apartments for Bellamy and Clarke together, which was how they ended up standing in the middle of an empty room, nodding at the walls like a bunch of crazy people.

* * *

_“I like it,” Wells said, slinging an arm over Clarke’s shoulder._

_She hummed agreement and rested her head on his shoulder. “Yeah, it’s pretty good.”_

_Bellamy turned in a slow circle. “It’s expensive.”_

_“I can cover it.”_

_He jerked his head around to face her. “No, I’m not letting you do that.”_

_“If you don’t want to move in here I will find another roommate,” she deadpanned._

_“Wow, you like it **that** much? You would ditch **me** , your best friend-”_

_Wells cleared his throat._

_“-one of your best friends,” Bellamy corrected, “to live in this apartment?”_

_“Are you kidding me? Yes! It’s close to the college but far enough away that we’re not listening to the dorms, it’s got running water, two bedrooms, a functioning kitchen and it’s cheaper than anything else on this street.”_

_Bellamy raised an eyebrow at her, amused. “Fine, we’ll work out the rent, but I’m not letting you pay more than me.”_

_“You can cook,” she pointed out. “If you cook and provide me with free drinks at the bar, that covers more than the extra. You’re a business major, I’m sure you can draw up some kind of plan that gives us equal share without making you pay as much as me.”_

_“Deal,” Bellamy made a big show of shaking her hand, grinning._

_“Do those free drinks extend to friends?” Wells asked, fluttering his eyelashes between them, and Clarke laughed and leaned against him._

_“Depends,” Gina shrugged, “can you beat me at a game of pool?”_

_“Oh you’re so on,” Wells high-fived her._

_Clarke beamed around at her new place; it was empty, but she could almost see what it would look like once they moved in, and she couldn’t wait. Things were looking up._

* * *

At the end of the year, they broke for summer, and while Clarke was sad to spend her last few days in the dorms so close to all her friends, she was excited to see where it would take them.

They threw a massive party and drank and played stupid games and had a perfect night, and the next day when everyone was packing their stuff into cars to drive home, there were misty eyes all around. Wells came to pick Clarke up because her mother was too busy - as usual - and they made a road trip of it. They stopped at various tourist traps along the way and stretched a fifteen hour journey into a three day adventure, and the whole last stretch to home they blasted songs from their childhood, yell-singing them with the windows down.

When she’d been back in Colorado a few days when she and her mother had a huge fight about her lack of interest in medicine and her desire to switch majors, and she had to remind herself that summer wasn’t that long.

Wells was round almost every day.

Bellamy visited a few times.

Murphy visited twice.

Monty and Jasper came up once.

She drove across the border to Kansas to see Emori, and flew up to visit Harper in Minnesota.

She didn’t lose contact with anyone; the group chat stayed active the entire summer and frequently devolved into chaotic group calls. But it wasn’t until she was unpacking in her new apartment with Bellamy that she really felt like she could relax. Wells was already back at Harvard - she’d helped him move into his new place a week earlier - and Gina was a work, so it was just the two of them tearing boxes apart and fighting over which half of the bookshelf they got.

It felt like home.

* * *

_“Hey I’m thinking of taking an art class or two this semester,” she said as she cracked a couple of sodas and passed him one._

_“Oh, really? Cool,” he gulped his back, Adam’s apple bobbing and skin glistening with sweat from an afternoon’s worth of hard labour lifting furniture and emptying boxes, and she tried very hard not to look at it._

_“My dad liked my paintings,” she smiled. That was one of the things that got easier over time - remembering her father without wanting to cry. “But Mom was pretty insistent about getting a degree that would earn me money, so.”_

_“So you’ll be the most highly qualified artist out there,” Bellamy shrugged, collapsing onto the couch._

_She grinned and followed, flopping down beside him. He was good at doing that - tossing out compliments like he didn’t even realise he was complimenting her, always taking her by surprise._

_He glanced around the living room. “We did a good job.”_

_She couldn’t help but agree. There were posters on the walls, the bookshelf was full (read: overflowing), the TV was set up, and their rooms were unpacked. The apartment looked **amazing** , even if they did say so themselves. So naturally that was when the buzzer rang, announcing the arrival of all their friends._

_“They’re gonna wreck the place,” Bellamy complained as he got up to answer the door._

_“Hey, it’s only really one of them who gets messy drunk,” Clarke reminded him. “So as long as we keep an eye on O’s shot intake, we should be safe.”_

_“She’s gonna wreck the place,” he said more emphatically._

_“She’s **your** sister,” Clarke tossed the tag of her can at him just as he opened the door and everyone flooded in._

_Octavia came in like a wrecking ball, leaping over the back of the couch and landing squarely on top of Clarke, pinning her to the cushions in an excited hug. Clarke called ‘uncle’ while the others made themselves at home. Seventeen people in one apartment was a tight fit but boy did they manage it. Clarke couldn’t even begin to imagine the kinds of gatherings they’d have when Gina and Wells were around. Someone might have to hang off the windowsill. (It would probably be Murphy)._

_Harper and Emori took the couch, remembering to leave a space for Bellamy next to Clarke, while Octavia continued to sit on top of her. Raven took an armchair so she could stretch her leg out and Finn sat on the arm of it, tangling their fingers together (that was a new development, but not entirely unexpected). Wick sat down cross-legged on the floor with Riley and Luna, and Macallan and Maya pulled chairs away from the table into the space. Lincoln and Miller both leaned against the wall while Jasper and Monty piled onto the remaining armchair together (because of course they did) and Murphy sat on the kitchen counter facing them all._

_Bellamy squeezed in between Emori and Clarke, grinning at them all. “Nice to have the gang back together.”_

_“A merry band of delinquents if ever I’ve seen one,” Wick agreed, raising his beer. “A toast, to all of us making it back for the second year in one piece.”_

_Everyone cheersed._

_Clarke didn’t care how tight of a fit it was, if they had to cram everyone into the apartment like this she’d do it every week just to make sure she saw these people as often as possible. Raven said it right when they turned up for Jake’s funeral - they were her family._

_“So what’s this?” Murphy pointed at Finn and Raven’s hands._

_Finn smiled happily. “We’ve been seeing each other.”_

_Macallan and Maya whooped excitedly while everyone wished their congratulations._

_“Don’t forget their big news,” Jasper gestured at the two of them._

_“Big news?” Clarke asked._

_“We started a band,” Macallan shrugged, fist-bumping Maya and Riley. Another cheer went up. “Don’t get too excited yet we don’t have any gigs, we’re still just freestyling.”_

_“But we’ve got a couple songs,” Maya said._

_“Good ones,” Riley agreed._

_She high-fived him, grinning. “I am going to be first in line at every merch counter and ticket desk.”_

_“Actually we were wondering if you could design some of our merch for us? At the moment we just need album art and a logo, but maybe if we pick up enough, we could branch out a bit?” Maya asked hopefully. “We’d pay you, of course, but you’re the only person we trust to do it right-”_

_“Of course!” Clarke said excitedly. “And don’t you **dare** pay me, just remember to bring me to all your celebrity parties when you’re famous - I really wanna meet Jeff Goldblum.”_

_“Deal,” Macallan sealed it with a handshake. “We're still giving you a commission though, and if you try to say no we'll hide in somewhere in the apartment. No take-backs, you just shook on it. Now how’s everyone else doing?”_

_“Our apartment is down the street, so D &D at ours every Tuesday,” Jasper ordered. He, Monty, Emori and Miller were living together, so their place was definitely going to be more party central than Clarke and Bellamy’s - which they were pretty much hoping was going to be exclusively used for lowkey gatherings like this._

_“How about you Octavia, any developments?” Wick asked cheerfully, trying to keep the happy train going._

_“Just one, really.”_

_“What’s that?”_

_She looked across the room pointedly and Lincoln cleared his throat. “Uh. Octavia and I are dating.”_

_The happy train ground to a halt. The room fell deadly silent, like all the joy was sucked out, and every eye in the room turned to Bellamy, waiting for his reaction. Waiting for him to explode._

_He narrowed his eyes at Lincoln. “Since when?”_

_“Bout a month ago,” he said, calm, measured._

_Bellamy folded his arms, holding the tension for another long minute before he said, “Damn, I bet Clarke it was longer,” and slapped twenty bucks into Clarke’s open palm. He fistbumped Lincoln and saluted his sister and then downed the last of his drink and got up for another one._

_Everyone collectively unclenched and laughter started rippling through the room, slowly at first, but picking up until everyone was giggling and cheersing and talking over each other. While Bellamy was in the kitchen he grabbed a bottle of tequila (for later) and met Clarke’s gaze across the room. The world slowed down to just the two of them, smiling like idiots in their new apartment, surrounded by their family and unquantifiably happy. He held up a beer, a suggestion, and she nodded so he picked up up and carried them all over, depositing them on the table and slinging an arm around the back of the couch._

_Clarke pocketed her winnings and joined Octavia’s argument with Luna about the best group activity for all the girls to do, and Bellamy started pouring out shots for the drinking game Jasper was setting up. It felt like the start of something good._

* * *

Despite everyone’s best efforts, that first night at Clarke’s was one of the only times all year that everyone managed to be in the same room at once (minus Wells and Gina, of course). Even though they all saw each other around, and organised smaller group activities - kickboxing classes for the girls; D&D nights on Tuesdays with Jasper, Monty, Harper, Maya, Emori and Clarke; various nights at the bar whenever people had nights off - it never felt quite as easy as it had the first year.

But they were still together, even when they weren’t all in the same place.

Wells facetimed her every week, usually on nights Bellamy was working late at the bar, and he tended to come home in the early hours of the morning only to find her still lying on the couch, drinking hot chocolate and talking to her best friend. He always rolled his eyes goodnaturedly, but frequently ended up sitting down with her and joining in the conversation, because Wells was just _like that._ It was impossible not to get sucked into conversation with him.

She went down to the bar a lot too; mostly on nights that Miller was bored at work and wanted some company, but sometimes when Bellamy was on too (although she tried to avoid those because seeing him and Gina flirt behind the bar was a Lot to deal with). She sat with Raven sometimes when she came down to hang with Finn in the last hour of his shifts, and they became even closer than they were before, organising nights out with just the two of them and shopping trips with Octavia. It was nice. Finn was nice too, if a little forward sometimes, and he and Raven seemed really happy. They were both from Texas, so it had been easy to fall in love over the summer, constantly travelling between their two small towns.

Clarke was happy for them, she really was.

Up until the moment Finn ruined it.

* * *

_Clarke didn’t exactly advertise the fact that she was bi. She never actively hid it, but she never felt the need to announce it, so when she started casually dating someone it never even occurred to her that she would have to tell her friends._

_Her first, disastrous relationship in high school had been with Lexa Regens, someone of the kind of social standing her mother loved and her father tolerated. She should have known it wouldn’t go well when Jake didn’t say anything after the first dinner, but she ignored all the signs and ran right in. And then Lexa screwed her over when they were applying for colleges so that she could get a spot at Princeton. Clarke was heartbroken and betrayed, but in hindsight it was the best thing that ever happened to her, because she ended up in Bakersfield and met the best people in the world._

_But it made her wary to date again._

_Plus she was having weird, maybe-not-so-platonic-feelings for her roommate, so she wasn’t looking for anything really serious. Niylah was fun, and casual, and not looking for anything long-term either, and Clarke genuinely liked her as a person, and she thought her friends might too._

_She swung by the bar on a night when all of her friends happened to be on shift (“happened” like she didn’t meticulously plan to be there on that night) and knew that a bunch of her other friends were hanging out too._

_“Hey Clarke, what are you having?” Miller asked, wiping down the bar. Jasper, Monty and Maya were in the corner arguing over the jukebox and Octavia was talking to Harper about her PT sessions next to Raven, who was making out with Finn over the counter._

_“Two vodka cranberries,” she tapped her card against the machine._

_“Coming right up,” Miller did a mock flourish of the hand as he started making them, one eyebrow raised pointedly. “Expecting someone?”_

_“Hey stranger,” an arm snaked around her waist._

_“Ah yep, that’d be her,” Clarke said, winking at Miller as she turned to kiss Niylah in greeting. “Find the place okay?”_

_“It’s a bit of a hole in the wall, but I managed,” she said, smiling. “I like it, I can see why you come here.”_

_“We mainly come here because these idiots work here and they give us discounts,” Clarke gestured at her friends behind the bar, all of whom were pretending they weren’t eavesdropping, and Miller who had barely blinked at the woman’s appearance. “Niylah, this is Miller, behind him is Finn, Gina, and Bellamy - guys this is Niylah.”_

_“She your girlfriend?” Finn asked._

_“I’m a girl and I’m her friend,” Niylah shrugged, sipping her drink. “And we hook up a lot, so I guess that counts.”_

_Clarke snorted. “Yeah, she’s kind of my girlfriend.”_

_“Nice to meet you,” Miller stuck out his hand. “I’m the gay best friend, Bellamy’s the straight best friend, Wells is the absent best friend and Murphy is the friend that none of can remember why we started hanging out with. She has female friends too, but we’re more important.”_

_Octavia threw a pretzel at his head. “Ignore him, he thinks he’s funny.”_

_And just like that, everyone was completely on board. Niylah got on well with all of them, and the rest of the night passed in joy and drinking, especially once Gina closed up the bar and they had the place to themselves. Bellamy refused to let Niylah pay for any drinks, and Murphy even offered her a cigarette, so Clarke knew they had her back. Everyone was more than a little tipsy and Maya had gained control over the jukebox so Jasper was dancing on a table and Clarke was on her fifth vodka cranberry and everything was perfect._

_She kissed Niylah’s cheek and informed her (probably too loudly) that she was going to the bathroom, and then strolled away, high-fiving Monty as she passed._

_She was almost at the door when Finn emerged from the men’s room, stepping directly in front of her. He was **noticeably** drunk._

_“Sorry,” she mumbled, trying to step past._

_His hand caught her elbow. “Hey, you’re into girls, right?”_

_“Did the girlfriend give it away?”_

_“You bi or lesbian?”_

_“Bi.”_

_“Fancy taking me for a spin once your casual girlfriend wears off?”_

_And the question was so abrupt, so much like a punch in the stomach, that it winded her. She tried to catch her breath, blinking away confusion, and looked down at where his fingers were still on her arm. “You have a girlfriend.”_

_“And you like girls? What’s the problem?”_

_“Are you propositioning me for a threesome?” Clarke felt stone cold sober._

_He smiled at her, the lights and his drunkenness turning it into more of a leer. “See, I knew you’d get it.”_

_“Nope.”_

_“You don’t get it?”_

_“No, I’m saying **no**.”_

_“Why not? Is it Raven? We don’t have to involve her, it could just be you and me if you want,” Finn really didn’t see the problem with asking someone who was supposed to be his friend to hook up with him behind his girlfriend’s back, and Clarke knew he was drunk but she didn’t think any level of drunk could excuse the brazenness of his actions._

_“I’m saying no because I don’t want to hook up with you, Finn,” she said, the last bit of her calm evaporating into the air._

_“But you’re bi,” he said foggily, alcohol making him especially slow on the uptake._

_“Yeah, bi, not a homewrecker,” she snapped and attempted to yank her arm back. When she did, he stumbled, tripping into the wall and smacking his head on a fixture. He cried out in pain and touched his head - no blood, but he’d have a hell of a bump in the morning - and Clarke stepped backwards, right into someone’s chest. A familiar hand closed around her shoulder, steadying her, and she glanced around to see Bellamy, glaring furiously down at Finn._

_“What happened?” Raven said, coming from out of nowhere and crouching down by her boyfriend._

_Clarke opened her mouth, “I-”_

_“Nothing,” Finn cut her off._

_“It’s not nothing, your boyfriend hit on Clarke,” Bellamy growled._

_“You what?!” Raven looked at him in shock._

_Finn sat up, nursing his head, and glared up at Bellamy. “What would you know?”_

_“I was standing at the end of the corridor, I heard all of it. I mean, I never liked you much but this is a whole new low, Collins,” he squeezed Clarke’s shoulder. “You can consider yourself uninvited to our apartment. Permanently.”_

_“This is bullshit, I didn’t do anything.”_

_“You asked me for a threesome,” Clarke snapped._

_Raven let her hands drop to her sides. “You what?”_

_Finn looked around frantically. “For you, babe-”_

_“Shut up, Finn,” she recoiled from him. “We’re done.”_

_“Babe, don’t say that-”_

_But Raven had already shoved her way past their watching friends and disappeared from the bar. Emori offered to follow her and ran out while everyone else returned to their tables, refusing to even look at Finn. Gina poured Clarke a shot from the bar and Niylah stroked her back. She’d never been close with Finn, but she’d never thought he’d be the kind of guy to do something like that, and it had rattled her._

_Finn tried to sit down and Octavia stuck her legs up on the chair._

_“You’re being ridiculous, I didn’t do anything wrong.”_

_“Stop digging, dude,” Miller rolled his eyes and Bellamy gestured towards the door, just shy of escorting him out himself before Finn finally gave up and stomped from the bar._

_“Well,” Harper looked around at them all, “I don’t know about you guys but I could do with some good tunes right now.”_

_“I’m on it!” Jasper and Maya said in unison, diving for the jukebox._

_Murphy jerked his chin at Clarke from across the room, sticking a cigarette between his teeth and she slid away from the bar and joined him outside. He held one out to her but she shook her head. He didn’t ask if she was okay. They stood there, side by side in the cold, and after a few minutes, she rested her head on his shoulder._

_“Finn’s a douche,” he said gruffly. “I always said so.”_

_“I just feel bad for Raven,” Clarke admitted._

_“He had a thing for you last year but we all thought you and Wells were a thing, so he never tried it. By the time we realised you weren’t, he’d already gotten close with Raven and, well…”_

_“You all thought I was dating Wells?”_

_“He flew across the country at a moment’s notice to check on you,” Murphy pointed out. “And there was that whole thing about a fight so we all figured you were dating and something happened, but you’d get back together after a while. It wasn’t for at least a few months that we finally realised you were just friends.”_

_“He’s like a brother to me.”_

_“I know,” Murphy rested his cheek against the top of her head. “But they thought you were taken and tried to move on. Obviously he got drunk enough to think it might be okay to try something, but I think it probably would have happened someday anyway - Finn and Raven were never gonna last.”_

_“Still, that sucks for Raven,” Clarke sighed. She scrunched her nose up at the cold. “Wait, did you say **they**?”_

_“What?”_

_“You said **they** thought I was taken.”_

_“Nope,” Murphy dropped the butt of the cigarette and ground it with his heel. They went back inside and Clarke put it out of her mind, but it was odd - she’d been so **sure** he’d said it._

* * *

Finn’s absence from the group should have felt bad, but honestly Clarke barely noticed. The whole group rarely got together anymore anyway, and the only times they saw him were at the bar, so they just made sure to organise group stuff when he wasn’t on shift (which was easy when Gina sent them his schedule).

The guys ended up coming over one night and spilling stuff about him that they hated, things they’d kept to themselves when they lived in the dorms because they didn’t want to start fights. It was cathartic, and Clarke loved them all for it.

Clarke was most worried about Raven, worried she’d hate her, worried things would be different, but when the girls all met up for kickboxing the next week, Raven was normal.

* * *

_“Don’t worry about it - my boyfriend was a dick, that’s not on you,” she shrugged. “Should have known better than to think he’d put me first when he was so obviously into you last year, but I figured he’d moved on.”_

_“I’ll put you first,” Clarke hooked an arm around her shoulder and they walked into the gym together, grinning._

_The others - Harper, Octavia, Maya, Emori and Luna - were already in there, waiting nervously, but they relaxed when they saw that the two of them seemed to be fine. They spent the first ten minutes together just bitching about Finn and talking about how Raven deserved better, and then decided they should probably get some actual work in._

_Octavia led the session, and they all sweated it out for over an hour before finally collapsing into the mats, panting._

_“I liked Niylah,” Maya said, squirting her water bottle directly into her own face._

_“Yeah, she’s great,” Harper agreed._

_“Thanks,” Clarke waved a hand, too tired for anything else. “I don’t have a great track record with dating, so it’s nice to have something casual - no expectations.”_

_“We all thought you were dating Wells at first,” Luna said, chugging gatorade._

_Clarke sat up on her elbows. “Murphy said that the other night! How is this the first I’ve been hearing of this?!”_

_“I think we thought it was rude to ask.”_

_“So you just assumed?”_

_“No,” Octavia held up a finger, “we **questioned**. We never actually settled on whether or not you were together before we realised you weren’t.”_

_“When was that?”_

_“When you brought a girl to the bar,” Emori said, blunt as usual._

_“What?!”_

_“Sorry,” she twitched a hand, unapologetic._

_“Seriously?!”_

_Raven shrugged. “Yeah, I mean, we were pretty sure you weren’t a thing by then, but that was the confirmation.”_

_“I fucking hate you guys,” Clarke fell back against the mats._

_“That’s why Bellamy started dating Gina,” Octavia said conversationally, and Clarke lifted her head._

_“What?”_

_“We all thought you were dating Wells, or you were about to be, and Bell was developing this, like, **major** thing for you. I’m talking a gooey-eyed-heart-racing-middle-school-crush level of thing. But we thought you were taken and I told him it wasn’t fair to keep pining, so he decided to put himself out there. Then he got that job and met Gina and well, the rest is history.”_

_“Honestly I always thought you and Bellamy were going to end up together,” Harper chimed in. “Something about the way you guys are together, it’s just… a lot. A lot that’s **good;** it’s just different to how either of you are with anyone else - even you and Wells.”_

_Clarke felt like her whole world was turning upside-down. “Anyone else think that?”_

_Every single person raised their hands._

_“Don’t get me wrong, I love Gina, I think she’s really good for Bell, but I always secretly hoped you two would bite the bullet,” Octavia said._

_“Right,” Clarke said, numb, and flopped her head back to the floor. Not only did Bellamy have a thing for her, but the only reason he now had a girlfriend was because he actively wanted to get rid of that thing. And suddenly Murphy’s slip of the tongue (they) made sense. **They** liked her. That was too much information to deal with while dehydrated, and she squirted her water bottle into her face._

* * *

The anniversary of Jake’s death came around suddenly. One minute it was months away and the next it was right over the horizon. Clarke had, admittedly, been preoccupied with the idea that Bellamy had, at one point, had a thing for her, but she felt she should have noticed the date arriving a little sooner than she did.

As it was, it pummelled into her, and she spent the whole day in the apartment, shuffling around in her pyjamas and trying to distract herself. Bellamy was there in the morning, taking care of her and offering to cook, but in the afternoon he had to go to work. He tried to tell her he could stay, but she didn’t want him to take a shift off for her - he needed the money and she didn’t want to take that away from him. Reluctantly, he left, making her promise to call him the second she needed him.

She barely had a second to herself, however, before there was a knock at the door.

* * *

_Murphy leaned against the doorframe._

_“What are you doing here?”_

_“I know what day it is,” he tossed his car keys into the bowl near the door. “So I was thinking you and me should go and get blind drunk somewhere.”_

_Clarke looked down at herself. “I need to put on some pants.”_

_He jumped onto the couch and flicked on the TV. “I’ve got time.”_

_Which was how they ended up in a bar on the other side of town, three sheets to the wind and having a great time; singing Bohemian Rhapsody at the top of their lungs while they walked down the street. They had drunkenly planned to walk home, not really thinking about how far that was, and Clarke’s feet were starting to get sore._

_They’d bar hopped for hours. They’d been to dingy holes in the wall and hipster bars and irish pubs and everything in between and they’d had at least one drink in each._

_“I should get us a ride home,” Clarke muttered to herself, checking her pockets for a phone._

_“Why? We’re **walking**!” Murphy grinned, lopsided, and she giggled uncontrollably at his face._

_“You’re funny,” she said, putting her hand on his face. “I like it.”_

_“Damn straight! But not if you’re bi!” Murphy winked badly. She laughed and he grinned and held her hand and pulled her forward._

_“We need to go home,” Clarke said, fishing her phone out of her bra. She pressed the first name that came up and held it to her ear. Murphy started rapping Alphabet Aerobics._

_“Hello?”_

_“Bellamy!” She gasped, excited. “It’s you!”_

_“Yeah… Clarke are you- are you drunk?”_

_“I’m **so** drunk Bellamy,” she nodded even though he couldn’t see her. “Of course I called you, you’re the best person. Hey me and Murphy are outside this bar and we want to come home.”_

_“Do you want me to come get you?”_

_“No!” Murphy yelled into the microphone._

_Clarke veered away from him, stumbling in her tipsy state. “Shh, Murphy, you’ll wake Bellamy.”_

_“I’m awake, Princess,” there was a smile in Bellamy’s voice. “Where are you? I’ll pick you up.”_

_They were halfway through The Real Slim Shady when Bellamy’s car pulled up on the curb, and Murphy kept going even as they got in. While he finished off the song on his own, Clarke leaned her head on the seat and watched Bellamy as the streetlights intermittently lit him up._

_He glanced at her. “How are you doing?”_

_“Tired. Drunk. Happy.”_

_“Good,” he smiled over at her._

_“Sad,” she added. “But Dad wouldn’t like me being sad. So I’m trying to stay drunk and happy.”_

_“Excellent idea,” Murphy leaned towards the front so he could low-five her. “My job here is done.”_

_“Hey thanks, Murphy,” Bellamy said, gaze meeting his briefly in the rear view. “For taking care of Clarke, and cheering her up, and always being there for her. I’m sure Clarke will thank you properly when she’s sober, but I want you to know that it means a lot to me too.”_

_“Oh my god just make out with her already,” Murphy grumbled, flopping back in his seat._

_Bellamy rolled his eyes at his friend as they arrived at the apartment building, helping him out of the car and upstairs onto the couch. He was gone for a few minutes and Clarke tried to get upstairs herself but she was having a hard time with it, so Bellamy ended up piggybacking her into the apartment. He took her shoes off for her and made sure she was comfortable and then he left her to it, leaving the door open a crack in case she needed anything._

_He was kind of perfect._

* * *

_“How long have I been in love with Bellamy for?” Clarke asked._

_Wells’ eyebrows raised. “Wow. I usually start conversations with the basics, like asking how college is going, or our friends, but you’re just jumping right in with that, huh?”_

_She winced. “Sorry, how are you?”_

_He’d arrived that morning, surprising her in the kitchen, and she’d been excited to see him despite the enormous hangover that was repeatedly bashing the inside of her skull. Murphy was still sleeping on the couch and Bellamy was at Gina’s, so after she made coffee, the two of them sat in the armchairs and she just blurted it out._

_He snorted. “I’m fine, obviously. You’ve been in love with Bellamy since Colorado.”_

_“That can’t be right.”_

_“You called me when he pushed the beds back.”_

_“So?”_

_“So you were sleeping in the same bed, and then you weren’t, and you felt the need to call me and ask me why he would have done that.”_

_“And?”_

_“You also called me when he got a girlfriend to ask how you should feel about it.”_

_“Oh yeah, I did do that.”_

_“You look at him like he’s holding your heart in his face,” Murphy said, face-down and muffled in the couch cushions. He turned his head slightly. “I’m hungover, but that made sense, right?”_

_“Made sense to me,” Wells grinned, sipping his coffee._

_Clarke looked at Murphy. “Oh good, so you know as well?”_

_“Yep,” he pushed himself up, very slowly, groaning all the way. “But don’t worry, I’m the only one. Everyone knows about Bellamy’s thing for you, but no-one ever talks about your thing for him. I think you’re better at hiding it than he was. And also he used to talk to us about it and you like to bottle things.”_

_“Don’t talk about bottles right now,” Clarke said, feeling nauseous._

_“Heard it when I said it,” he agreed, closing his eyes._

_“You guys are a mess,” Wells laughed._

_“No arguments here,” Murphy reached over and plucked Clarke’s coffee from her hands, drinking it slowly._

_“What am I supposed to do?” Clarke asked._

_“You’ve been in love with him for a year and you’re asking me **now**?” Wells closed one eye at her, squinting._

_“But I didn’t **know** I was in love with him, I just **was**. Fuck. I don’t want to ruin this,” she let her head drop into her hands._

_“You won’t,” Wells assured her. “Now come on, aren’t we supposed to be going to the band’s rehearsal?”_

* * *

They got their shit together enough to go sit in Riley’s parents’ garage and watch the band play - they were getting really good - and even contributed to potential band names (Murphy’s favourite was _Macallan’s Angels_ but Maya vetoed that pretty much immediately). Clarke showed them some of the designs she’d been attempting for their album art and they all fawned over the sketches for a while before deciding they should get dinner.

Dinner turned into an impromptu group gathering, with Jasper, Monty, Harper and Miller having heard that Wells was in town and turning up to the diner. They argued over band names for another forty minutes before Murphy sidled off to bed, and Riley and Macallan disappeared at one point, leaving the rest of them to stay for dessert. It was almost a perfect day (minus the hangover).

Wells stayed all weekend, bunking on the couch and hanging out with Bellamy and spending as many minutes as possible with Clarke before he had to go. But once he was gone Clarke was alone in the apartment with Bellamy again and suddenly her feelings were all she could think about it.

She started spending more time at Raven’s place, and threw herself into her studies despite how much she hated them. She hated everything about her degree, but she was committed to finishing it, so she tried to get ahead of her studies, but unfortunately it just dragged her into an endless spiral of studying and boredom - which at the very least was enough to distract her from Bellamy.

She offered to help Lincoln revise for the exams and she hung out with him in the library most afternoons, occasionally joined by Octavia and Wick and even Luna.

But every night she went home to the place where she and Bellamy lived and just breathed in how much she loved him in every part of the apartment. She wondered if that was how he felt before he moved on. She wondered if she could move on.

She was still hooking up with Niylah every now and then, but both of them knew it was casual, and after a while Niylah became more of a friend than anything else, filling up the space in the group that Finn had left behind.

A few weeks after Finn left, the band finally decided on a name, and she went over to watch them perform at the bar, propping herself up with Jasper while Gina poured drinks. Clarke knew almost all the songs by heart, and she couldn’t help but sing along. She mocked up a logo while she was listening to them, and when they were done for the night, she showed them her final album designs, which made Macallan and Riley pick her up and start chanting her name.

They started listing off the things they’d need to put it on - shirts, guitar picks, hats - and Jasper suggested helping them set up a merch shop online (he could even use it as part of his assignment for one of his classes) so they sat down and hashed it all out. By the time they were done, Clarke had finished the logo as well. Bellamy and Gina finished closing the bar and he offered her a ride home. As they were leaving, Maya mentioned they might have a gig in a few weeks - a _real_ gig.

* * *

_The gig turned out to be one of the newcomers spots at one of the venues in town, and it was surprisingly packed. She could see familiar faces dotted amongst the crowd - people from her classes, acquaintances from the coffee shop she frequented, even a TA or two - but her friends were nowhere to be seen, which meant they were all backstage with the band._

_Clarke pushed through the crowds to reach the stage door, where Macallan, Maya and Riley were standing, looking panicked._

_“This is a lot of people, right?” Riley asked, nervous._

_“And you’re gonna blow them all away,” Clarke said, tossing a shirt at him._

_He caught it deftly, unfurling it - it had their logo on it. “Damn Griffin, this is amazing.”_

_“Where’s mine?” Macallan complained, right before he took a shirt to the face._

_Clarke handed Maya hers, and she tied it around her waist, grinning._

_“Where are the others?”_

_“They’re in the green room,” Maya said. “Here, I’ll take you, we’ve got some time before we have to be onstage.”_

_Clarke followed her, glancing back just in time to see Macallan reach for Riley’s hand and tangle their fingers together. Maya caught her eye and grinned - they were pretty cute together, she couldn’t deny it. They thought they were being subtle about it too._

_Their friends were all there - almost, anyway; just missing Wells - and a cheer went up when they realised she’d arrived._

_“Sorry I’m late I had to submit another stupid essay,” she moaned, tossing shirts towards them all. “But I bring gifts!”_

_“These are straight **fire** Clarke, oh my god,” Jasper beamed, pulling his on over his sweater._

_“Thanks, I try,” she said, leaning against an amp as she threw a customised beanie at Miller._

_“You’re the love of my life,” Miller said, yanking it on._

_“Better believe it,” she grinned, fistbumping him._

_“You okay?” Bellamy asked, stepping closer to her so he could ask without the others overhearing._

_“Yeah, why?”_

_“You look tired,” he said, sympathetic, and she hated him for it._

_“I’m fine, Bellamy, I promise,” she forced a smile and slapped a shirt into his chest. He let it drop, but she could feel his gaze on her so she deliberately started a conversation with Raven and Harper about the cocktails they were drinking. Murphy waved his cigarette packet at her but she shook her head (not until after the gig) he nodded and pocketed it._

_Maya checked her watch. “Shit, we’re on in two minutes! You better get out there guys!” She darted away towards the wings._

_“You heard the woman!” Jasper ordered loudly._

_They all filed out the other side, spilling into the crowd. Clarke ended up pressed against the barrier at the front of the stage, Bellamy to her left and Monty to her right. Gina was on Bellamy’s other side and she could see their hands intertwined on the railing, so she deliberately turned her gaze upwards, focussing only on the coloured lights. The crowd fell silent as a disembodied voice boomed from the speakers._

**“In their Friday night debut, please give a warm welcome to… The Midnight Delinquents!”**

_They all went crazy for them._

_The band ran onstage, Maya already playing her guitar, and Macallan joined her on the keyboard while Riley situated himself behind the drums. They’d been over the set a hundred times - start with a cover to get the crowd invested, then play three or four originals, follow those with another cover of a less well known song, then a song everybody knew, and then end with their upcoming single._

_Clarke knew that._

_She didn’t know what their first cover was going to be._

_**“Love, I have wounds, only you can mend,”** Macallan sang, grinning out at the expectant crowd, **“You can mend.”**_

_**“I guess that’s love,”** Maya chimed in._

_**“I can't pretend, I can't pretend, oh oh oh,”** Riley joined, and the three of them harmonised perfectly. It was beautiful._

_And it smashed right through the wall she was trying to build between her and her feelings for Bellamy; suddenly all she could think about was his hand almost on hers on the railing and his arm against her side and the fact that his other hand was occupied and she felt a lump growing in her throat. But she soldiered on. It couldn’t get any harder than that, right?_

_Their original songs were incredible, and she got lost in the excitement, almost forgetting that they had another cover to play. And this one hit worse than the first._

_“We’re gonna slow it down for y’all for a minute,” Macallan said, playing the first chords. Clarke recognised those chords, but she didn’t have a chance to brace herself before he started singing, **“Those hardest to love need it most. I watched our bodies turn to ghosts.”**_

_**“Such good friends, it has to end, it always does,”** Riley smiled at Macallan from behind the drums, a shared joke, a stolen glance, **“That's the way life is. Do we take that risk?”**_

_Clarke felt like she was dying, and she felt like Bellamy must be able to see it, but she didn’t dare look at him. She didn’t want to see pity reflected in his gaze, or worse, not find his gaze at all. She didn’t want to see him looking at Gina like she hung the stars. She couldn’t handle that right now._

_**“What if we ruin it all, and we love like fools? And all we have we lose?”** Maya sang soulfully into the mic._

_There was a lump in Clarke’s throat that was impossible to swallow and Monty’s arm snaked through hers, hooking around her elbow. She glanced at him and he squeezed her wrist, smiling reassuringly. He didn’t know why she was so emotional but he didn’t care - he just loved her and wanted to make sure she was okay. She smiled back, watery, but earnest, and he turned back to the band, living in the moment with her._

**_“And I don't want you to go but I want you so… so tell me what we choose.”_ **

* * *

After that night, Clarke knew she needed to start letting go. So she made more of an effort to get over her feelings. She went on a few first dates, but nothing ever felt right, and she even asked Niylah for dating advice. She couldn’t keep pining forever, and she had a gruelling degree to concentrate on, so she needed to get her head screwed on right if she was going to make it through the rest of the year.  
  
And so it all became part of the routine; go to classes, come home, pretend she wasn’t in love with her best friend, paint in her room to destress after studying, go to sleep - and over and over again.  
  
“Get your feet off the couch,” Clarke yelled out as she entered the apartment, toeing her shoes off by the door.  
  
“How do you even know my feet are _on_ the couch?” Bellamy argued back through the wall. “You can’t see me!”  
  
“Because I know you, Blake, and I don’t need to see your dirty feet in the place I like to sit,” she grumbled as she rounded the corner, noting the speedy rustle of his legs where he’d clearly just dropped them to the floor. She was too tired to really care as much as she pretended to, so she just collapsed next to him on the sofa, sinking into the cushions.  
  
He tilted his head at her. “You alright, Princess?”  
  
“Fine, and don’t call me that,” she rolled her eyes. She wasn’t sure _why_ she was in a bad mood on top of her exhaustion, but there was something irking her. Something she couldn’t quite put her finger on.  
  
Maybe it was the fact that her best friend and his girlfriend were going on a romantic coast holiday together the next day.  
  
When Bellamy told her he was planning a weekend trip with Gina up to Monterey, she had been happy for him. He’d checked the dates with her, and although something about them niggled at the back of her mind, when she checked her calendar those days were free.

She distracted herself from the upcoming weekend by spending the next three weeks throwing herself into every activity she could. She hung out with Murphy, she went kickboxing with the girls, she played D&D with Jasper and Monty, she studied with Lincoln - anything and everything she could do to ignore the fact that the man she was in love with was in love with someone who wasn’t her. She was burning the candle at both ends and it was draining, but it was better than acknowledging what was really going on.

Bellamy raised his hands in surrender. “Alright. What are you gonna do with the apartment to yourself this weekend?”

“Paint in the living room,” she said immediately.

He grinned. “That all? No raves?”

“You haven’t seen the way I paint,” she pointed out, relaxing further into the couch. “What are you planning with Gina?”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean what’s your plan? You’re going to the coast, sure, but where’s the romance?”

He shrugged. “I have my ways.”

“So you haven’t planned anything,” she deduced.

“Gina’s not really the planning type,” he waved a hand, “she’s more of the ‘go with the flow’ type. If I was planning a weekend away with _you_ I’d plan it to the letter and give you a typed itinerary, because you don’t do well when things don’t go according to plan, but Gina likes being spontaneous.”

“How dare you, I can be spontaneous.”

“Since when?” Bellamy poked her in the ribs teasingly. She flipped a lazy middle finger at him and he chuckled and picked a movie on Netflix that she could fall asleep to while he studied beside her. It was easy, warm, comfortable.

She said goodbye to him before she drifted off, knowing he would gone by the time she woke up.

He kissed her forehead and promised he’d bring home a souvenir.

She woke up feeling weird, like there was something she’d forgotten. She stretched off the couch, shuffling into the kitchen to put on a pot of coffee, and stared aimlessly out the window. Bellamy had left a note reminding her to take the recycling out, and she stuck it on the fridge so she didn’t forget. Something was bothering her. It was just out of reach, her brain still fogged with sleep, and she turned in a slow circle in the kitchen, trying and failing to find it.

It didn’t click until she checked her phone; Wells had texted her asking if she needed him to call or if Bellamy was taking care of her. And it hit her like a ton of bricks.

It was his birthday.

Her father would have been fifty, but instead he was gone, and Clarke felt like the ground was going to swallow her.

And her best friend was on holiday with his girlfriend.

She was completely and totally alone and her father’s death was crashing into her all over again. She sunk to the floor, pressing her cheek against the cold tiles, letting tears silently roll off her face. Not only was it her father’s birthday, but she’d _forgotten_ it was coming. She was a terrible person.

She wasn’t sure how long she lay there before she picked herself up off the floor, like she was running on autopilot, but she knew it had been hours because the clock read almost midday, and the last time she’d looked it had been before eight in the morning.

She poured her coffee into a thermos and closed the lid. Her brain felt like it was dying. She shuffled to the door, grabbing her keys off the side as she left.

It wasn’t until she was on a motorway and the sun was starting to lower towards the horizon that she even realised she was driving. She suddenly zoned back in, blinking rapidly and gripping the wheel far too tight. The dashboard clock glowed 6:14pm. Her phone was on the passenger seat, and she could see it lighting up as she drove. Just as she flicked her gaze back to the road, it started ringing.

She reached blindly down to answer it.

“Clarke! Oh my god, we’ve been so fucking worried, where the fuck are you?” Octavia yelled, tinny out of the tiny phone speaker. Clarke turned the bluetooth on in the car so she could hear better.

“I don’t know.”

“What do you mean you don’t know?! How the fuck-”

There was the sound of a scuffle, and then Murphy’s voice, “Okay, I think you’re done with the phone, Swear Jar. Clarke? You still there?”

“I think so.”

“Okay. Can you talk to me?”

“I think so.”

“Can you tell me where you are?”

“I’m driving,” she whispered.

“Where are you driving?”

“On a highway.”

“Can you tell me which one?”

There was a sign approaching - CRESCENT MILLS [2], LAKE ALMANOR PENINSULA [25], LASSEN NATIONAL FOREST [50] - and she was struck with a memory of her father, when she was young, driving down a similar road. They were staying at a country club in the peninsula but Jake thought it was too stuffy and took Clarke out for the day. They went somewhere in the forest, she couldn’t remember where exactly, and adventured for the whole day - pretending to be on a mystical quest and having sword fights with big sticks. When they returned, Abby had been furious that they’d missed lunch with some friends of hers, but Jake promised her they’d be well behaved at the next function. It was one of Clarke’s fondest memories.

She must have been trying to find it.

“I think I’m heading for Lake Almanor,” she offered.

There were the sounds of a hushed conversation away from the microphone and then Monty was talking. “Clarke that’s over 400 miles away.”

Clarke swallowed. “Yeah.”

“Okay, well that’s okay,” he said, reassuring, like it wasn’t completely insane for her to have just packed up and started driving to nowhere. “Is there anywhere you can stop?”

“There’s a hotel I remember somewhere in Crescent Mills.”

“Alright. Okay. I think the best thing to do would be to stop there for the night and then we can make a plan. Either one of us will come up to get you or you can decide if you feel okay to come back. Does that sound okay?”

She nodded.

“Clarke?”

“Uh, yeah, I can do that,” she saw a marking for a turn-off into Crescent Mills and started moving into the correct lane. “How did you know I wasn’t at home?”

“Wells called me,” that was Murphy. “Apparently he’s been texting and calling you all day to check in but you haven’t been picking up, so he asked me to swing by. You left your door unlocked when you left, by the way.”

“We thought you’d been kidnapped!” Jasper said.

“Basically we formed a search party to try and find you - we’ve been calling you for hours, haven’t you noticed?” Emori’s voice.

“I didn’t even know I was driving,” Clarke said, hoarse with panic. “It was like I wasn’t here at all, and then suddenly I zoned in and I was on the highway.”

“That’s dissociation,” Lincoln’s voice chimed in, patient, calm. “It’s perfectly normal for people suffering from anxiety, or depression, or people having rough mental periods.”

“I’ve been driving for six hours,” Clarke realised. She felt sick. Her phone beeped - someone else was trying to call, and she glanced at the phone as if it would provide her with answer. “Hang on guys, someone else is calling me.”

“Ah.”

“What?”

“That’ll be Bellamy,” Octavia winced.

“You called Bellamy?!”

“Us, Wells, your mother - we _all_ called Bellamy, of course we did,” she said. “We were worried and he knows you best, we thought he might know where you were going or how to get through to you. It’s kind of a miracle you even picked up the phone, he’s been going frantic all afternoon calling hospitals and your classmates and shit. It’s been intense.”

Clarke swallowed. “I have to answer him.”

“Probably,” Murphy drawled.

“I’ll call you guys back when I get to the hotel so we can work out a plan,” she said, ignoring his ‘you better’ and hanging up the phone. She barely moved her finger off the button before it started ringing again. She answered it. “Hey Bellamy.”

“Clarke?! FUCK, Clarke, are you okay?” He sounded terrible.

“I’m fine, I’m, uh, I’m in Northern California,” she said, following the sign to the hotel she remembered. “I don’t remember how I got here. I must have been driving for hours but I… I don’t remember… anyway, I’m fine.”

There was an odd noise - a rush of air, like Bellamy was exhaling into the microphone. “Fuck. Are you sure?”

“I think so. I’m stopping here for the night. Probably not a good idea to try and drive back in the dark.”

“Okay. Okay,” he paused. “Okay. God, Clarke, you scared me so much, I thought something had happened to you and I wasn’t there, I-”

“No, oh my god, no please don’t worry about me! It’s just… it’s my dad’s birthday today. I forgot it. I’ve never been good at remembering dates, but you’d think I’d remember my father’s birthday, but I just… I just _forgot_. What kind of person does that? He would have been fifty today - my mom would have thrown a big party that he would have hated and he would have made the time to hang out with me away from everyone because that was all he ever wanted to do. Me and him, against the world. Mostly against my mom’s sense of taste and class, but the rest of the world too. And I forgot.”

“You’re not forgetting him, Clarke,” Bellamy said, soothing. “You forgot one date, and you remembered again. You’re not forgetting who he was or the person he helped you become.”

“He should be fifty,” tears were dripping off her chin but she didn’t remember when she started crying.

“Yeah, he should,” Bellamy murmured.

She blinked a few tears away. “Sorry. I’m sorry for worrying you. How’s your holiday?”

“Well, the few hours we got were pretty good,” he joked. “Don’t beat yourself up, Princess, we’ve got the rest of tonight and tomorrow to relax.”

“I really am sorry. Tell Gina I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault, Clarke, it’s just a bad day.”

She took a deep, shaky breath. “Yeah. Bad day.”

* * *

When she woke up the next morning it took her a minute to remember where she was and why she didn’t recognise her surroundings. It slowly came back to her, however.

The events of the day before swam into view.

She remembered checking into her room and calling the others. They’d made a plan; four of them were gonna drive up (Monty, Harper, Miller and Wick) and then Wick was gonna drive their car back while the others went with Clarke, to keep her company and make sure she was okay.

She checked her watch.

They weren’t due to arrive for at least another four hours.

An idea formed, and she started getting dressed. Check out was fairly easy, and she made sure everything was in the car before she drove away from the nice little place and up towards the forest. She wasn’t sure if it was the right place - she’d been young the last time she was there - but she felt that any part of the forest would be enough for what she wanted. She parked and locked the car and picked a trail to walk - one that looked quiet.

She walked for half an hour, taking in the sights and breathing in fresh air, and remembering all the adventures she and Jake had when she was here last. It was beautiful. She noticed a small clearing just off the beaten path and ducked under a branch to get to it, sitting on an overturned tree in the middle and looking around. This felt like exactly the kind of place that Jake would have pointed out to her; he would have told her it was magic, that places like that are bubbles in time, and once you’re inside, time stops.

She would have believed it.

“Hey Dad,” she said to thin air. She’d never understood people who talked at gravestones, because the person they loved wasn’t really there, but sitting in this forest that held such an important memory for her, she thought she might have an inkling of why they did it. “I miss you. And I wish… I wish that you’d gotten to meet my friends. They’re the best people in the world, and oh my god you would have loved them. Especially Monty. And Harper. And Bellamy. I think you might have even liked Murphy because he’s got the same sense of humour as us. You would have been so supportive of the band. And of me.”

She sniffled.

“I think I hate my degree. And I think it’s making me hate myself because you always told me to do something I was passionate about and you died before you could see me make that choice. I’m doing it for Mom, and I don’t wanna do that anymore because if you knew how miserable I was you would have driven down to Bakersfield to kick my ass a long time ago. I think… I think when I get back, I’m going to drop out. I wanna pursue art, even if that’s unrealistic, because it’s what I’m most passionate about and even though you’re not here anymore I can’t bear the thought that you might be disappointed with me.”

There was a smooth rock by her feet and she toed at it, smiling to herself. When they came here all those years ago, whenever they saw an unusual rock, Jake would tell her it held some kind of magical properties and that she had to collect all of them in order to have the most power. Later than night Abby had seen her pockets full of stones and made her turn them all out before she came indoors, but Clarke had never forgotten which stones gave her strength.

“And I’m in love with someone,” she whispered. The first time she’d said it out loud, to anyone. “I love him so much it hurts sometimes, and all I want is for him to be happy. Which is why I’m happy for him and Gina - she’s great for him, and he loves her and I’m okay with that. Except that… sometimes Dad, I’m not okay with that. Sometimes I want to be selfish and tell him, but that would unfair. I wouldn’t ever want him to choose, and I wouldn’t want to lose him. He’s my best friend, and if I lost him right now I think I’d lose whatever’s left of me. Because a lot of me died with you. I had to make myself again after you left, and Bellamy was a big part of that.”

She bent down and picked up the stone, turning it over in her fingers.

“I miss you, Dad.”

Clarke closed her fingers around the stone and pocketed it, dusting off her jeans and walking the winding path back to the car.

She drove back to the town center to meet the others, and they arrived barely a minute after she pulled in, plus one extra (Raven) who had apparently decided she wasn’t letting them go without her. They wrapped her in enormous hugs and sat down for lunch and listened to her tell stories about her father. She told them about their adventures in the forest and her mother’s disapproval, and about his birthday parties over the years and they listened in rapt attention.

Eventually, however, they had to start heading back to Bakersfield, so Miller, Monty and Harper piled into Clarke’s car (and Miller insisted on driving the first leg) and Raven and Wick stayed in the other one.

They’d been on the road for twenty minutes when Clarke asked, “So Raven and Wick?”

“Raven and Wick,” Miller nodded.

“I like it,” she commented.

“Me too.”

“How about you guys, how are you doing?” Clarke asked, looking back at her friends in the backseat.

They shared a look and smiled. “We’re great. We’re even thinking of finding a place after college, somewhere we could settle down in California, close to everyone.”

“You’d move out of Minnesota permanently?” Clarke asked Harper, interested.

“Well I’d have to go back for Christmas, I’m not a heathen,” she joked. “But I love it here, and I love Monty, and I love you guys, and I want to stay where the people I love most are.”

It was a nice moment - slightly ruined by Clarke’s ringtone for Wick (Hollaback Girl) as it started loudly blaring from her pocket. She picked up and put it on speakerphone so that the two of them could join in the conversation, because in Wick’s words, “We felt left out.”

They talked and joked and sang, stopping twice along the way to get coffee and use the restroom, as well as swap drivers. Clarke tried to make them swap seats with her too, but they all kept insisting she ride shotgun.

They were barely an hour away from home where Clarke finally worked up the courage to say, “I think I need to drop out of college.”

Monty turned the music off.

“Drop out?” Harper asked.

“Yeah. It’s been kind of killing me, and I haven’t said anything because I didn’t want to seem ungrateful, or make anyone think I don’t wanna be here, I _do_ , I just… I think I need to do something else with my life. Being a doctor barely sounded good when my dad was alive; now that he’s gone I can’t even _think_ about an ER without catching my breath.”

Silence filled the car for a long moment.

“I think that’s great,” Wick said down the phone.

“Really?” Clarke asked, surprised.

“Absolutely,” Monty agreed. “You should be doing what makes you happy, something you feel passionate about, not something that fills you with dread.”

“What do you wanna do instead?” Miller asked.

“I think I want to set up as an artist - take band commissions and stuff,” she said. “I get a small percentage from the Midnight Delinquents merch and I think I could do something like that more permanently.”

“Cool,” he grinned. “But you’re staying in California, right?”

“Of course! You’re not getting rid of me that easy.”

“I love it,” Raven called out, just audible, and Wick moved the phone closer to her. “I couldn’t be more supportive babe, I think this is the best possible thing for you. I could see you burning yourself out with college and I’m glad you noticed it too. This is gonna be great.”

Famous last words, apparently.

Because when they dropped her at her apartment and climbed back into Wick’s car, waving as they left, Clarke was actually in a good mood. It didn’t last long.

Bellamy was waiting up for her in the living room, and she felt her heart stuttering the second she saw him, so when he moved to hug her she held a hand up between them, stopping him in his tracks. “I need to tell you something and I don’t want you to distract me with how perfect you are, so I need you to just stand there for a second, okay?”

He let his arms swing back to his sides, waiting.

“I’m dropping out.”

“What?!”

“I’m dropping out of college. I can’t do it anymore, I hate this degree and I hate medicine and I can’t keep pretending I don’t. So I’m dropping out and I’m gonna figure things out for a while, get my head screwed on straight,” she shrugged. “There you go. What do you think?”

“You’re dropping out?”

“Yeah.”

“Just like that?”

“Well, no-” she said, taken aback, “I’ve been thinking about it for a long time-”

“So are you moving back to Colorado?” Bellamy’s tone was a lot sharper than she expected.

“No. No of course not, I’m-”

“Right, so you’re staying here but no college? Are you gonna get a job?”

She frowned. “Probably.”

“Have you even _kind of_ thought this through?!”

“Why are you being so harsh right now? You don’t have to be excited, but the least you could do is not jump down my throat about it, I’m going to get enough of that from my mother when I tell her.”

“But she’ll still pay your rent, right?” That time, Bellamy’s tone was outright vicious, and Clarke took a step back.

“Bellamy, what-”

“Well you’re dropping out, but you’re staying here, so you’re just living off her dime, unemployed, not studying, just doing whatever the hell you want. Why not move back to Colorado? I mean, you clearly don’t need to be here anymore, so what’s keeping you?”

“I’m-”

“I hate my degree too, you know. And I don’t have the _luxury_ of just being able to throw two years out the window like money doesn’t mean anything.”

“That’s not what I’m doing.”

“No? You really don’t see the privilege of making a choice like that?”

“I’m trying to do what’s best for me-”

“That’s nothing new, is it Princess? Always put yourself first, even if it means trampling all over everyone else’s lives like we’re playthings in your pretty dollhouse,” he snapped.

She opened her mouth to say something, closed it, and shook her head, “I don’t know what’s going on right now, but I’m tired, I’m going to bed.”

“Right, so when something doesn’t go your way you can just walk away?”

“This isn’t about this not going my way, this is about me having no idea why you’re going completely batshit on me, Bellamy!”

“Like you’re the only person who gets to go crazy?”

She recoiled from him, “Fuck you.”

She turned and made a beeline for her bedroom despite the argument feeling far from over.

“Just keep running, right Princess?” he called after her, voice following her down the hallway. She kicked the door closed and lay face down on the bed.

She felt like something was broken, and she had no idea how to fix it.

* * *

The next morning, she tried to talk to Bellamy in the kitchen, but he didn’t say a single word to her, just breezed past her on his way to meet Lincoln and Octavia for lunch. She couldn’t help but think that those were the kind of things he usually invited her to.

While he was gone, the argument only festered.

She was angry at him - she had no idea where the sudden disagreement even came from, she thought he’d be happy for her - and she was angry at herself for not fixing it before she went to bed.

Bellamy got back a couple of hours later and walked right past her into the living room and sat on the couch. She put a mug of coffee down in front of him and stood there, waiting for him to look up. He didn’t.

“We need to talk about this,” she said.

“Why?”

“Wh- because you’re my best friend and I don’t like fighting with you,” she said, arms folded over her chest.

“That used to be all we did,” he pointed out, bitter, still not looking at her.

“Yeah, when we hated each other, but we don’t anymore.”

Bellamy scrubbed his hands down his face, messing up his hair. “What’s your point, Clarke?”

“My point is, you’re my best friend and I don’t understand what I did to upset you!”

“You disappeared!” He yelled, finally looking her in the eye. “You disappeared and then you came back like nothing was wrong, nothing mattered but you'd suddenly changed your mind about your whole life, and told me you were going to do whatever the hell you wanted.”

“What are you talking about - of _course_ things have changed,” she said, tears forming behind her eyes. “Just because I look like nothing’s wrong, like I’m handling it, doesn’t mean it’s true and you should know that better than anyone! I told you I was dropping out because I needed someone to reassure me that I was making the right choice, that my best friend trusted me, believed in me, and you threw it back in my face.”

The defiance in his eyes dimmed slightly. “Clarke-”

“Everything in my life is falling apart, Bellamy!” Clarke cried. “My dad died and my mom and I barely talk and my childhood best friend, my brother, is on the opposite side of the country, and this degree is killing me, it’s _killing_ me, and every day I wake up and I feel like I can’t breathe because I live in this stupid fucking apartment with you, in a place I can never escape your face and your voice and how much I fucking love you, but I can’t ever do anything about it because you’re with Gina and I’m happy for you, I really am, and I would never try and get between you, not ever, because I _like_ Gina, but I’m _in love with you,_ and it’s driving me insane!”

Bellamy looked like someone had dumped a bucket of ice on him but Clarke wasn’t done.

“And I’m _sorry_ I disappeared, I really am. I didn’t do it to hurt you, just like I’m not dropping out just to rub it in your face how much money my family has, and maybe I’m selfish for doing it but sometimes I’m allowed to be selfish! I spend every day making sure _everyone else_ is okay, and sometimes I need to make sure I’m still breathing or I’ll drown in it all!”

“Clarke-” he tried again, but it was her turn to be irrationally angry.

“You know what, you’re right - there’s no point me living here now that I’m not going to study anymore. I think it’s time I moved out,” she spun on her heel and stormed into her room, throwing clothes into a bag.

He followed, trying to stop her. “Hey, wait, hold on, I’m-”

“Get away from me, Bellamy,” she warned, closing the back and grabbing her phone. He held up his hands in surrender and she pushed past him and out of the apartment, letting the door swing loudly closed behind her.

She called a cab to the airport and booked the first flight to Colorado.

* * *

When she arrived, her mom didn’t ask questions, she just drove her home in silence.

Clarke turned in a slow circle in the house; it didn’t feel like home anymore. It felt empty. But it was better than being back in her apartment, so she took a deep breath and started upstairs to her old room. Memories of Bellamy were imprinted in the sheets - of her father’s funeral, of Bellamy holding her while she mourned - and she curled up underneath them and cried until she didn’t have the energy left to keep her eyes open.

Her sleep was restless.

She spent most of the rest of the week in and out of sleep, barely eating, and she let her phone go dead and left it that way, not wanting to deal with the barrage of questions or calls from her friends. Bellamy could deal with it on his own.

Wells arrived on Wednesday.

He climbed under the covers with her like he did when they were kids, and he held her hand. “Everyone’s on your side, you know. They all think Bellamy was being a jerk.”

“I don’t care.”

“They miss you.”

“I don’t… I don’t wanna think about it.”

“Murphy called me - he’s been wondering if he’s allowed to talk to you,” Wells said. Clarke made a noncommittal noise. He pulled out his phone and dialled.

Murphy picked up after only two rings. “Wells, how’s Clarke?”

“Ask her yourself, she’s right here.”

“Clarke? You okay?”

“I’m tired,” she muttered.

“Yeah. I get that.”

“How’s Bellamy?” Clarke asked, hating herself for it.

“Miserable. He’s been a miserable asshole since you left, stomping around the apartment on his own and working extra shifts to avoid being there.”

Clarke hummed quietly in acknowledgement, trying to clear the fog from her brain.

“Him and Gina broke up,” Murphy added, tone light, like he wasn’t sure how to say it.

“I’m sorry,” she said, and meant it.

“You don’t wanna know when?”

“I don’t care.”

“Are you sure?”

“I don’t care, Murphy.”

“Okay,” he paused. “Clarke, when are you coming back? _Are_ you coming back? I mean, obviously you don’t have to, but… you have a family here that loves you. And much to my annoyance, _I_ love you. Things don’t feel right when you’re not here, not just in your apartment - everything’s off somehow. I’ve got no-one to smoke with when everyone’s getting too annoying.”

“I don’t know.”

“Take as long as you need, you don’t have to decide right now. But we’re here whenever you need, okay?”

“Okay.”

There was a long silence while Wells stroked her forearm and she stared at the phone, waiting for the thing Murphy was inevitably going to say. He cracked after a minute, “You told him you loved him.”

“Yeah,” she whispered.

“You, like, _yelled_ it at him.”

“Yeah.”

“You’ve got fucking _balls_ , Griffin, I mean seriously I might be in love with you just for that.”

“Gross,” Wells chimed in.

“Fuck off,” Murphy said. His tone softened when he spoke to Clarke again, “It was brave. Telling him you loved him, it was really fucking brave. I could never have done it. And he heard you, even if he didn’t want to listen, he heard you, and he cares.”

“I don’t wanna talk about it,” she said, small.

“What do you wanna talk about?”

“How’s the band doing? Got any gigs?”

* * *

Two weeks, she stayed with her mom.

Bellamy called her a lot, until he didn't - she presumed that was Murphy's doing. 

She dropped out of college and started focussing on building a portfolio for her prospective business, and she painted a lot.

Nearly everything she painted turned into a forest.

Wells told her about his almost-boyfriend at Harvard, and his classes, and they swapped all the new music they’d heard without each other over the last few months, and she sketched him in the garden and danced with him in the corridors. Abby didn’t exactly approve of the situation, but once Clarke explained her reasoning, and promised that if she didn’t see a single bit of progress in the next year she’d consider starting college again, Abby agreed to give her some leeway. And she loved the art - even started hanging it around the house the way she used to when Clarke was little; like she was proud of it.

Wells left after a week, already having spent too many days away from classes, but he called her every night.

Clarke turned her phone back on at the start of the second week and finally started replying to people. She assured them all she was fine, and that she just needed some time away to work out what she was going to do, and all of them promised her she was welcome back whenever she was ready.

At the beginning of the third week, she was doing her laundry and a small stone fell out of the jeans she was holding. She picked it up and turned it over in her fingers; she’d forgotten about it in the wake of her fight with Bellamy, but seeing it again reminded her of why she’d visited the forest in the first place. She wanted to honour her dad's memory, and running away from everything wasn’t going to do that.

She walked into the kitchen and Abby looked up and just knew.

“You’re going back.”

“I have to,” Clarke leaned against the countertop. “They’re my family. _He’s_ my family.”

Abby dropped a kiss to the crown of her head. “Your father would be so proud of you.”

Clarke wiped away the tear that fell at those words. “I hope so.”

She packed up her things that afternoon, and spent the night with her mom playing board games and talking about everything they could think of. By the time she was ready to go the next morning, she felt like her relationship with her mom might finally be starting to find even ground. Abby hugged her tightly and made her promise to call the second she touched down, and Clarke left for the airport.

Her anxiety built on the flight, sitting in her stomach and rising up her throat, but she tried to keep calm and ignore the feeling.

Murphy picked her up - no-one else knew she was coming back yet - and drove her to her apartment building. He pulled up in front of it, looking over at her.

“You gonna be okay?”

She nodded and he squeezed her hand across the console.

Clarke carried her bags upstairs and into the apartment; it was empty. Bellamy was probably at work. She unpacked slowly, easing back into the space, but she was tired from travelling and from the anxiety of being back, so she sat down on the couch to wait for him to get home.

But she felt her eyelids drooping, and despite her best efforts, before long, she drifted off.

* * *

When she woke up, there was noise coming from the kitchen, and the smell of spices.

She sat up, stretching her neck, and blinked the sleep from her eyes. Bellamy was home, and he was pottering around the kitchen making dinner for them both like he used to, like everything was normal. It looked like it was almost done. She drew her knees up to her chest before she spoke.

“Hi.”

His head whipped around, eyes widening when he realised she was awake.

“Smells good,” she added, not sure what else to say.

“Stir fry,” he said, equally as awkward.

“I’m sorry I left,” she blurted out, at the same time as he said, “I was such an asshole.”

She smiled. “Yeah, but so was I.”

“No, this is on me, I shouldn’t have snapped like that. I don’t even have a real reason, I was just…” he sighed and tipped the steaming food onto plates, carrying them over and putting them on the coffee table. He sat down next to her on the couch, not touching her, but a lot closer than she expected. “Gina broke up with me.”

“I heard.”

“That day,” he clarified.

“Oh,” she breathed. “Oh my god, Bellamy, I’m so sorry, I-”

“Gina knew,” he said, looking down at his hands. “She knew before we started dating, and she loved me anyway, and that was really unfair of me, but I thought I was past it and then… you went missing and my chest caved in. I couldn’t function, I was… and Gina was amazing; she picked up the pieces and she stayed with me until I’d calmed down, until you called and told me you were okay. And then the next morning, before we came back, she told me we needed to talk. She told me that she loved me but that she knew I didn’t love her as much as I wished I did, as much as she _deserves_ to be loved, and we ended things.”

“Bellamy…”

“We’re fine,” he smiled reassuringly, but there was something behind it. “Gina and I; it’s amicable, we still work together, we’re fine. She just wanted me to be happy and she knew I was never going to be completely happy without…” he cleared his throat.

Clarke waited, eyes darting over his face.

“Without telling you how I felt.”

She caught her breath.

“And I… I guess I was angry at myself for being a dick and I didn’t want to be another Finn you would blame yourself for, and when you got back I put a lot of it on you. I guess I decided I was a dick because I loved you, and I lashed out because I didn’t think I deserved to be happy with you after I ruined things with Gina. So I picked a fight. A stupid, ignorant fight. I _know_ you’re not just a trust fund kid, I _know_ how much you hated your degree and how much it was affecting you, and I still acted like a total asshole just because I was angry at myself.”

“It’s okay.”

“No, it’s not, I should have been here for you, I should have been a better friend, a better _person-”_

“Don’t go there,” she murmured, dropping her knees back to the couch, lowering one barrier between them. “I forgave you for that the second I got on the plane to Colorado.”

“Clarke-”

“You’re forgiven,” she promised. “And I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have run away, it was all just too much in the moment. I regretted it as soon as I left.”

He shook his head. “I understand why you had to.”

“We’re a mess, huh?”

“Little bit,” he smiled, small but it was there.

“You’d think, with all the healthy communication we have, one of us could have mentioned that we were in love with each other. Just a quick sidebar over breakfast or something,” she suggested, and the smile grew in his cheeks.

“Yeah, well, turns out we’re both kind of idiots.”

“Yeah.”

She smiled back at him, and they sat there for a few minutes, just settling back into themselves, adjusting to the change in their relationship. It didn’t really feel like much had changed at all. They were just looking at each other more openly now.

“Clarke?”

“Mm?” She was more than a little lost in his gaze.

“Can I kiss you?”

“Can we have a serious conversation about boundaries and better communication afterwards?”

“Absolutely,” he leaned closer, arm propping him up against the back of the couch.

She couldn’t think of a witty response, too distracted by his mouth, so she closed the gap between them. He kissed her nervously, like he still wasn’t sure if he was allowed, and she grabbed for his hand and pulled it onto her waist, making him chuckle against her lips. He tilted his head slightly and she wanted him to do that more, to kiss her at every angle he could find, and she curled her arms around his neck, tangling fingers into his hair. It threw him off balance and he tipped forward until they were completely horizontal on the couch and he was trailing kisses down her neck, pulling material out of his way as he moved further and further downwards.  
  
“We could have been doing this for _two years_ ,” Clarke panted towards the ceiling.

He lifted his head, “Hey, we’re lucky this isn’t year _ten_ , considering how much it took for us to pull our heads out of our asses.”

“Good point,” she said, tugging him back up so she could kiss him properly on the mouth again.

“Stop-” he mumbled between breaths, “-distracting - _mmph_ \- me, I’m trying - _Clarke_ \- to go down on you here.”

“You don’t have to do that.”

“Do I look unenthusiastic to you?” Bellamy asked, and oh boy - no he did not. His hair was wild from her fingers having taken up permanent residence there, and his lips were swollen and his pupils were blown. Her own gaze must have darkened, because he smirked and resumed his path towards the button of her jeans.

This was so much better than she thought this conversation was going to go.

* * *

As it turned out, dating Bellamy was a lot like normal, except sometimes she woke up in his bed and sometimes he woke up in hers. She helped him study for his business classes and he helped her with her business proposal for her businesses - it was a win-win. She also found him a volunteer position at the museum as a researcher, which made him so happy that she didn’t leave his room for a good 48 hours. He was such a fucking nerd. She loved it. They still supported each other and joked with each other and loved each other, but now they got to hook up whenever they wanted.

Which was constantly.

“It’s really gross,” Murphy said, which was kind of negated by the massive grin on his face at their overly cute antics while they made dinner.

“It’s our apartment, you can leave,” Clarke pointed out. Bellamy snaked an arm around her waist while he reached above her into the cupboard, and she stopped seasoning the sauce so she could enjoy his presence at her back.

Murphy rolled his eyes. “You invited everybody round!”

“And I’m regretting it already,” she murmured, eyes darting to Bellamy’s lips. He ducked his head closer to her but they barely touched before Murphy threw a tomato at them, startling them apart. Clarke laughed and tossed it back, hitting him in the chest. “Alright, alright, fine - we’ll tone it down when everyone else arrives.”

“But I’m already here! You’re going to permanently blind me,” he complained.

“You wanted us together more than anyone!”

“Not true, you’re forgetting that Wells exists.”

“He makes an excellent point,” Bellamy agreed, kissing Clarke’s nose before he returned to the chicken. When they called Wells to tell him the news, he’d almost booked a flight to visit right there on the spot he was so excited. Luckily they managed to convince him to hold off for a couple of weeks, and they got to work trying to organise another gathering of the whole group that he could fly down for.

By some miracle, they succeeded - they found a night that worked for _everyone_ , and Wells’ flight got in before Murphy arrived, so they’d all start arriving soon. Murphy had arrived early to help cook, because eighteen was a lot of mouths, and he was deceptively good at everything in the kitchen. He’d also spent the last two hours mercilessly roasting them both, which she supposed she should have expected.

Their friends had been unsurprisingly obnoxious about the revelation that they were dating now, but Clarke knew they did it out of love, so she didn’t mind it so much. And she made a point to talk to Gina about it, make sure they were okay. As it turned out, Gina was the kindest person on the face of the planet, because she was not only fine with it, but fully endorsed the match and just wanted to stay friends with them both.

She took the sauce off the heat. “Speaking of Wells, have you asked his advice about Emori yet?”

Murphy glared at her. “No.”

“Why not?”

“Because he’s gonna tell me to just suck it up and make a move.”

“Yep.”

“And you already told me that.”

“Yep.”

“I don’t need the same piece of advice twice.”

“Don’t you?” Clarke raised an eyebrow. “I don’t see her here, so I assume you still haven’t _sucked it up and made a move.”_

“You took two years,” he retorted.

“Touche.”

The doorbell rang, saving them from the inevitable squabble, and Bellamy ducked out of the kitchen to answer it, only to get bowled over by their friends. Apparently Murphy had left the door unlocked when he arrived. Octavia was carrying Jasper on her back and he was blasting music from his phone while the others danced.

“There’s a speaker in there,” Clarke gestured towards the living room and Jasper dismounted and jogged over to hook it up.

 _The Midnight Delinquents_ filled the apartment.

Jasper collapsed over an armchair dramatically and Monty sat down on the other one with Harper in his lap. Lincoln, Octavia, Wick and Emori all sat down against the wall, legs splayed out in front of them while Bellamy handed them each a plate heaped with food. Miller sidled in next, followed closely by Niylah, who’d brought bags full of alcohol, and then by Luna, who was holding a home-baked cheesecake. Raven and Gina turned up a few minutes later, the former pulling up a chair beside her boyfriend and the latter offering to help in the kitchen. Macallan and Riley turned up hand in hand, Riley’s other arm hooked around Maya’s shoulders, and they all took the couch, grinning.

Wells was the last to arrive, dropping his bags by the door just in time for Clarke to leap at him like she hadn’t seen him for years, even if it had only been a few weeks.

“Whoa, hold on now, I’m taken,” he teased. “Come to think of it, so are you!”

Her feet touched the floor and she smacked his arm. “What do you mean, taken? You’re officially dating Roan and you didn’t tell me?!”

“It happened before I got on the plane, I didn’t have time to send up a flare.”

“Rude,” she said, hip-checking him as she turned back to the kitchen to grab him a plate. “You should bring him with you next time, it’ll be nice.”

“We’ll be hard pressed to make him fit in here with everyone,” Bellamy said, clapping Wells on the shoulder, “but that’s not gonna stop us.”

Once everyone was settled, digging into the food like they were all starving (or in Jasper’s case, high) Clarke and Bellamy finally found the time to sit down. There was only space for one person on the couch, so she sat in his lap, balancing both their plates on her thighs. The music played under everyone’s mixed conversations, all joining in with each other, catching the odd thread and getting distracted, and it was exactly the way Clarke always wanted to feel.

She held up her glass in a toast.

“To _T_ _he Midnight Delinquents_ ,” she pointed it down the couch at them, “for throwing everything into this band and making amazing music. You’re gonna be huge and we are gonna be able to say that we knew you first.”

Macallan blushed and Riley kissed his cheek. Everyone cheersed.

“And to Octavia, for getting her kickboxing coach certification.”

Glasses clinked again.

“To Wells, for having an Official Boyfriend to bring home to his parents-”

“You mean you and Bellamy, right?” Wick winked.

“Obviously,” she grinned. “And to all of us for getting through this year in one piece. It was a hell of a thing, and we’re all still here. We better all still be here next year too - whether half of us have moved away or not, this time next year we’re all going to meet up again, right here, and have a party.”

“We better meet up again before that, I can’t wait that long,” Miller said, stuffing a spring roll in his mouth.

“Deal,” Clarke grinned, and everyone cheered and clinked their glasses together. She leaned back against Bellamy’s chest, revelling in the moment. So naturally Wells and Murphy decided to ruin it by calling for their own toast.

“We want to congratulate Bellamy and Clarke on pulling their heads out of their asses,” Murphy said, flashing a wolfish grin.

“And Clarke, for finding her path in life and pursuing it,” Wells elbowed Murphy. “We’re really proud of you.”

“Hell yeah!” Raven popped a bottle of champagne into the middle of the room, spraying it over the coffee table. “Consider this your business launch party.”

“Hell yeah!” Everyone echoed, holding their cups out for her to pour wine into.

The conversations picked back up again and Clarke went quiet, happy just watching all her friends in her apartment, comfortable and content. She squinted over at Riley and the way his hand rested over Macallan’s pec while they talked to Niylah, and she wondered if they’d approve her making a new merch design out of it. Emori and Murphy were sharing glances over their drinks and Luna started handing out slices of cheesecake. Wick and Miller argued over who was a better pool player until finally conceding that it was Raven. Monty, Harper, Maya and Jasper discussed the next D&D campaign. Octavia asked Gina if there were any job openings at the bar while Lincoln talked to Wells and Bellamy about their respective degrees, and Clarke hummed softly along with the music, just taking it all in.

“What are you thinking about?” Bellamy asked, pressing his chin against her shoulder so he could see her properly.

“I’m just happy,” she said, kissing his cheek.

“It looks good on you, Princess,” he said, kissing her back.

“You think _everything_ looks good on her,” Octavia pointed out, rolling her eyes good-naturedly.

“Don’t hit on my girlfriend for me, I’m allowed to do it myself now,” Bellamy said petulantly, making his sister choke on her beer.

“To think, this all started because of a couple of screw ups,” Clarke said, reminiscing about her first week in the boys dorms.

“And it’s gonna keep going because of a couple of screw ups,” Murphy said from across the room, referring to them. Clarke threw cheesecake crumbs at him and Wells joined in, and before long, people were flinging the remains of their food around the room at each other, laughing and ducking until it became a full-fledged food fight. Bellamy laughed into her shoulder, using her as cover from Octavia’s well-aimed chicken leg. It bounced off Clarke’s arm and she threw a plastic fork and missed.

It felt like home.

Jake would have been proud.

**Author's Note:**

> that was a long one, but it was definitely time i wrote one of those long, meandering soft romance & friendship fics; it's been far too long. 
> 
> Whaddya think? Your kudos and comments remind me what it's like to go outside and talk to people in this time of self-isolation <3


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